diet dr. nasty @pinkplasticwineglass@awoo.space

thank you for your support..............

idk. i think that i need to go grab a 1 room with my friend in ottawa and forget about this shit for a while. see a trauma specialist

maybe i think that i'm stupid and call myself an idiot like. every day because my parents treat me like one and do not extend trust towards me very often

i need to... understand that my thoughts & feelings have legitimacy, weight beyond something that needs to be simply humored. and that dropping out & resuming education another time isn't some kind of ridiculous last resort

i also need to like. acknowledge & trust myself in that im really really hurting and a lot of it is because my parents are not very good at being parents and they will not change. im the way i am with them because of the way they have treated me, not because im a nasty brat idiot child

idk. idk. idk. im btwn a rock & a hard place and i think i need to acknowledge that instead of looking for an option that doesnt exist. (that option being a way to break away from my family & current trajectory that does not hurt my relationship with my family in some way)

i have options. its not a fucking death sentence to not be in school, although it has been presented to me as. i really think it would be productive for me to take some fucking agency. with myself

i know i will probably be very poor if i do not complete school but like... would much rather do that than continue to rely on my family and be involved in some sort of academic institution

uhhh "school" has been a soul-sucking presence in my life since day 1. i was literally homeschooled my entire life so i dont really know what to do with that. i dont really want to be doing it anymore

when i think about... continuing to be in school. and letting them wipe my ass for me over everything. it feels like i'm submitting to just more of the same things that have made me into the person i am (a charming and good natured but fundamentally damaged & traumatized person)

i log onto the social media. i complain about my crumbling relationship with my parents

i.... have ptsd and i am desperate to not be hurt again. so i am quietly enduring this in order to avoid making myself vulnerable and likely being spit on

im just really torn up because we had a convo just now and my mom acts like its SO MYSTERIOUS as to why i think that i'm stupid/incompetent, feel disempowered and will not confide in them

also have very viciously have responded to me expressing distress in the past, or punished me for things i confided to them. not great at building trust

like they say with their mouths that. i should tell them things. but when i DO they just argue with me about how whatever i say is wrong

i do actively withhold Everything from them & not communicate with them but they also do nothing to encourage it whatsoever

maybe i don't..... want to wrestle myself constantly??? strange and novel idea????? oh but i just do not apply myself enough.my bad.

im miserable honestly lol. every time i say i want medical help with a brain problem my mom basically tells me i'm not trying hard enough to work around it myself

god whatever. it's not like i want to be in an ok mood, ever, at all

i think my life would be better if i was more forthcoming with my parents but they have pissed over any & all trust i extended to them when i was younger so. we don't do that anymore in this house