solzi (moved) @scoliwings@awoo.space

a lot of people have supported me to go so far in life!!

i'm not gonna let them down!

i'm not gonna let myself give up on my goals. i can do whatever i choose to do

i'll be great at anything i set my mind to

i'm DEAF

i'm NONBINARY

i and all my sonas go by THEY/THEM and ZE/ZIR

IM AN DEAF NONBINARY ARTIST WHO GOES BY THEY/THEM AND ZE/ZIR!!!!

is miscolla cute

OOOOOH POLLS

i've also kind of fought with myself in dreams! or to be more accurate, i've fought with my dream self for control of my actions and dreams, because i'm not actually controlling anything - i'm just watching as the dream progresses. my dream self is the one who's doing all the work.

a few times, when i came close to lucid dreaming, my dream self seized up, everything went dark and terrifying, and i woke up instantly.

lucid dreaming is really difficult when you think about the theory of dream selves actually being yous from different universes and oh god i screwed up my other lives im so sorry

in a way, i'm dealing with the concept of self, too. everybody does. but let's focus on me, okay?

i have a lot of dreams that i remember. and quite a few dream selves. or maybe they're actually all the same person, but some dreams i see end up continuing their individual plotlines, splitting off into different dream selves.

but however many dream selves i have, or how little, they're all me. and i'm them.

do i have dream selves that i don't like? of course i do. there's one who as a child laughed as an evil witch turned their screaming mom into bones. there's another who shot soldiers with a rifle. and maybe, somewhere out there, there's a me who is a frightened person marooned on mars, around aliens who are kind of racist towards humans, with my family.

but you know what? all of these dream selves' actions kind of make sense to me. i mean, it's their world. they know what they're doing there.

listen to this: there's another you, somewhere out there, and it appears to you that they're doing much better than you. they're in YOUR world, or maybe you're in THEIR world, being that self. how would you feel? how would you like to act towards them?

something cool to think about

wait, no. they don't struggle to answer it. it's just a really longwinded metaphor to saying that every human will always have a lot of parts about themselves that they will love or hate, and if there's another you, either one of you will amplify your feelings towards those parts

is that really a solid rule? the rule of döppelganger? hm

all these tropes about the MC fighting themself, usually have them cooperating with themselves at first, because presumably the other self exists for a reason

but a fight is always inevitable later on. why? in homestuck, literally every character encounters themself at some point. karkat explains to jade that she hates talking to another self, and she thinks it's irrational, but it's actually a perfectly rational reaction to seeing another you

in gravity falls, dipper has tyrone, his number 2, who ended up partially developing his sense of self for a short time, because if there's already one of yourself out there, then you... have to be different than them?

but is that the concept of a döppelganger? is it why two of yourself can never exist at the same time in the same place? WHY? so many pieces of media, it's almost an universal thing in stories - they struggle to answer that

i've been thinking about the concept of self and multiples and how that's been portrayed in media

a LOT of shows see the MC or a side character fighting themselves, but the ones that come to mind for me are steven universe and adventure time. both of their MCs have had to fight their self or an alternate version of their selves, time again and again, and they're shown to grapple with it a lot

what's really the difference between you and another person you see in front of you, that is also YOU? is that you aren't them in that moment, and you forget that they are you, but are painfully reminded again and again

it's really interesting

im a tree with a habit of gnarling my roots deep into rocks

i need to learn how to unroot from these rocks and relax myself into nice ol soil

or maybe not be a tree altogether