Trans Meds, Suicide Mention (+) 

Okay so now that I'm a week in and no longer feeling physically terrible... Two things I have noticed about HRT:

1 - I am still angry but instead of overwhelming incoherent rage I've been able to sharpen it to a fine point and have been smiling while telling people to go to hell.

2 - The part of me that's basically just a slice of oblivion is inaccessible. Like, I try to reach for it but it's not there. I am not capable of wanting to kill myself.

Trans Meds, Suicide Mention (+) 

I mean I know it's still there, and it'll very definitely come back at some point? But right now I just can't seem to access it. Like, a pile of shit happened this week. It normally drives me into massive depression and I reach for the comfort of inevitable death. But right now I try to do that and nothing happens.

Instead I scheme and plot and plan.

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Trans Meds, Suicide Mention (+) 

I don't know what the fuck is happening to my brain and I'm not really even sure that it's anything gender/dysphoria/euphoria related? I still hate my body, but I don't dwell on it. Like, I can't dwell on it.

It just reals like... I'm in the right mindset for things.

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