assistant fox keeper @somekindofcrow@awoo.space

Years ago, someone I knew checked herself into the psych ward because she was at the point where she needed someone to make sure she's okay. She sent out (via AIM) a call for things to read. I gave her my copy of Flight Vol. 1. She eventually left the hospital. I don't know where she is now but I know she's doing well.

Kazu Kibuishi is doing a signing here in a month and I am kind of sad, but also kind of glad, that I don't have a copy of Flight for him to sign anymore.

So anyway, I know how this place treats women. I don't want to know how it treats trans women.

Incidentally we have a trans candidate interviewing and I've scheduled a time where I get to say "so you're a grown man and you get to make your own decisions but I need to tell you why I'm not out here".

Those will be fun times.

Okay I'm done ranting now maybe I'll actually go to bed or something.

Despite how much the admin doesn't want to admit it they aren't listening to women and women don't talk to them about problems because they know it's useless. And when the women quit after 2 years they "oh she must have quit because of her baby" or "she is Southern so it was hard for her to adjust to the culture" or "she got offered a better job elsewhere".

But hey guess what I've talked to all of them and they just don't want to work for a pile of white dudes.

I mean it's not like it's "there's literally a dude circulating memos about why women and/or colored folks are terrible" bad, but it's at "the administration refuses to acknowledge that they need to make policy changes because things are going great look at these cis white men" bad.

This is especially terrible because we're in an industry that's like 70% women.

I pull the "as a person of color" card out very rarely (like at most once a year) because honestly I have so much fucking privilege relative to the spectrum of people (esp trans people) of color.

So I only use it if there's some ridiculous fuckery happening and I need to remind people that no I will not be party to your racist bullshit.

So anyway I did it like twice or maybe three times this week at work I've lost count.

@eris@glitch.social Okay hi so I didn't know TWOCC existed until I saw your profile and then went to your bandcamp thank you for letting me know that such a wonderful thing exists.

I'm tired.

I don't know what the fuck is happening to my brain and I'm not really even sure that it's anything gender/dysphoria/euphoria related? I still hate my body, but I don't dwell on it. Like, I can't dwell on it.

It just reals like... I'm in the right mindset for things.

I mean I know it's still there, and it'll very definitely come back at some point? But right now I just can't seem to access it. Like, a pile of shit happened this week. It normally drives me into massive depression and I reach for the comfort of inevitable death. But right now I try to do that and nothing happens.

Instead I scheme and plot and plan.

Okay so now that I'm a week in and no longer feeling physically terrible... Two things I have noticed about HRT:

1 - I am still angry but instead of overwhelming incoherent rage I've been able to sharpen it to a fine point and have been smiling while telling people to go to hell.

2 - The part of me that's basically just a slice of oblivion is inaccessible. Like, I try to reach for it but it's not there. I am not capable of wanting to kill myself.

Okay now that the spiro isn't making it hurt to pee this whole hrt thing feels kind of good.

tfw you find out the person you have a crush on from playing an mmo with is like 15 years younger than you are and you feel creepy :3 :3 :3

So i just send my doctor a note that begins with "it hurts when I poop is this normal on spiro???"

Like it feels I ate Indian food that is too spicy but I have not eaten any spicy food in weeks.

So anyway Faceboop is advertising diy vagina swab kit startup to me now.

I feel like I got some trans achievement points there.

Okay wow one minute after my first titty Skittle and I'm already a submissive fox girl.

Wait no i didn't need drugs for that.

So the Bellevue pharmacy has so much estrogen that they decided to give me three times as much as my doctor prescribed.

I am balancing the hormone economy of the greater Puget Sound area.

So I finally committed and got a prescription and THE PHARMACY RAN OUT OF ESTROGEN.

When I type "ahhhh" my phone's predictive texting suggests "gender" for the next word.

I am in charge of interviewing someone who may unintentionally out me (and I have no way of telling them not to do that without going through official channels) so I am secretly rearranging schedules and such so that only people I'm okay being out to will be able to make that group interview.

I am literally casting glamour through schedule changes and meeting requests.

Hashtag fey management y'all.

I should be eating pizza rolls at 11:30 PM.

But I'm sad and it's my birthday so fuck it.