So, okay, I need to talk about part of why I struggle with getting things done. It's not a fun or easy discussion but it's worth having, and I'm not putting it behind a CW because I need people to read this and either understand or have their own moment of clarity.
There are certain patterns to the way we talk to and about kids when they're growing up - patterns that feel like they're roughly the same, but that have markedly different outcomes.
Two children have just completed a task. Both are praised for completing it.
Child 1 hears: "You're so smart, good job!"
Child 2 hears: "You did such good work, good job!"
They feel roughly the same, but there's a substantial difference. Consider the implications:
Child 1 hears: "You have an innate ability that allowed you to complete this task."
Child 2 hears: "You did a lot of work that allowed you to complete this task."
Now do you see the difference?
Yes, it's subtle, but it gets ingrained. Child 1 is trained to believe "whether or not I accomplish something is because of something innate in me", and Child 2 is trained to believe "whether or not I accomplish something is a function of the work I put in".
Child 2 sees failure as an obstacle to be overcome and redoubles their effort.
Child 1 sees failure as a /personal/ failure and seeks something else that they know they'll succeed at.
Carol Dweck calls this a "fixed" mindset vs. a "growth/incremental" mindset.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carol_Dweck#Mindset
Quote to follow:
"In a fixed mindset students believe their basic abilities, their intelligence, their talents, are just fixed traits. They have a certain amount and that's that, and then their goal becomes to look smart all the time and never look dumb. In a growth mindset students understand that their talents and abilities can be developed through effort, good teaching and persistence. They don't necessarily think everyone's the same... but they believe everyone can get smarter if they work at it."
@noelle I recall reading somewhere that in US Army (?) training, instructors make a point to never say "you're a good leader" and instead use a phrase like "you put a lot of work into leadership" instead.
This concept is some real-ass shit and I wish more people knew about it.
