滝 @taki@awoo.space

It's hard to explain what's been bothering me lately. I've known I was aromantic for a while, and thought I was okay with it. It's just annoying when people don't understand, or I have to be careful not to give someone the impression I can do more than I'm actually capable of. That last bit is even harder when I often have trouble reading people or understanding what their motivations are.

But recently I've wondered if it's "worse" than that. Other people seem to form close relationships faster than I can. They describe friendships and other relationships in ways that are unfamiliar to me. It makes me wonder if I've ever actually been close to someone in the way that other people feel, and I can't say for sure that I have.

This is...upsetting. Am I more broken than I thought? Am I missing a wide range of human experiences? Are the people who care about me throwing their affection into a black hole that can never properly reciprocate?

I've thought about this for a few weeks and I don't have good answers. I don't even know why I'm like this. It could be trans stuff making me uncomfortable with myself for so long, or RSD from ADHD making me terrified to get close to people, or something else. And maybe this is only bothering me now because of 4 months of isolation. I don't even know what a resolution would be. Is this something fixable?

I don't expect anyone to read all this really, or understand where I'm coming from. Just needed to get it down somewhere, I guess. And I don't want my friends to think this means I don't care about them. I do, a lot, just in a weird, broken way that's hard to describe.

Ever have something you thought you had made peace with but it ends up being worse/harder than you thought and you are in fact not okay?

(Most of you are trans so I know the answer is "yes" but still)

Computer: It's time for pills!
Me: Okay! <gets up, changes into pajamas, sits back down>
Computer: Still pill time.
Me: Dammit!

​ selfie

Trans furries who change their legal name to their furry name are incredibly powerful.

Only God can kinkshame me.

I'm loving my latest hair color so I'm posting it everywhere. :3

Looking good for work today.

AFAIK I'm stealth to my new coworkers so I'm having to be careful to censor/edit any anecdotes about my past that could give me away. It's a bit annoying, but I do like being stealth. Bleh.

In positive news, my new toy arrived. You may be nerdy, but are you JDM Seiko nerdy?

Better than expected.
(Tom Rice is their House Rep who is up for reelection. I referenced his stances in my message)

@taki I sent her a thing. Basically a "Here's what your party supports. How do you plan to vote?" No response yet. I'm psyching myself up to be more assertive with them than I've ever had to be before. We'll see how it goes.

My mom wants me to visit for Thanksgiving. I’m giving a lot of thought to how much I want to spend time around people who will shortly be voting in favor of my civil rights being removed. Right now the answer is “not much”.

I'm going to send her a message outlining these thoughts, but I'm not optimistic about the outcome.

Jury duty today! I am excited to participate in our broken justice system.

It will take possibly as long as a couple months for my new boobs to settle into final shape/position, but here's a quick "after" for the curious.

They told me the ears and horns are a perfectly normal side effect.

A funny thing from the hospital before the boob surgery:
Nurse: "Have you had a hysterectomy or your tubes tied?"
Me, oblivious to why I'm being asked and just happy to be passing with no makeup: "Nope!"
Nurse: "Okay, pee in this." *hands me a cup*

<later>
Nurse: "Okay, you're not pregnant."
Me: "I figured. It would take an above-average level of miracle for that to happen."

Updating everywhere: Today was boob day. I'm back at the hotel and feeling sore. Shape is weird until they settle but the size looks perfect.