mental illness is knowing something in your life is wrong but not being sure which of a dozen things it is or how to fix it. do you take "responsibility" for your "failings" and try to push through it? do you try to change the circumstances of your life to make yourself more comfortable? what if that's impossible? what if that's not even the cause of it? and you waste so much energy and lifespan just trying to exist correctly because there is little margin for existing incorrectly

i dont know if my pills are working. i dont know if the solution is more pills or different pills, or no pills, or therapy or a lifestyle change or a diet thing, or if it's just my garbage workplace causing it, in which case i'm fucked because i can't find a different job. so i just shotgun everything i have the energy and agency for, in the hopes that something will eventually enable me to get out of bed before 3pm. it's a waste of my life

i should probably be thankful i even have a high paying job in the first place. i dunno. i still feel miserable but at least im not worrying about going homeless i guess. so maybe that means my problems aren't as bad as they feel and i'm just being dramatic. i do have a lot of privileges, after all.