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haha why did i look through those messages just now haha i just reminded myself of the pain and pathetic-ness that is the ruins of my love life haha
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it's been over four months and i'm still not even close to being over him. we weren't dating, just fucking; and i got hung up on him and didn't have the courage to tell him until it was too late and he started dating someone else (and told me that regardless he doesn't see us as a potential couple)
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everyone i've tried dating since, or having sex with since, i compared to him. probably the best sex i've had so far; and i've seen him on grindr again since, so i know he'd probably be open to doing it again! but i suspect it'll just hurt me even more if i go back to that
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and the worst part is no one cares. when i try writing/talking to friends about it they say stuff like "go out and find someone better" (as if i'm not trying), or just change the subject. so here i am writing about it to internet strangers who probably don't really care either. because keeping these thoughts in my head/in my icloud notes/in my diary notebook feels like it's Just Not Enough
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good whatever time of day it is in your time zone. i'll go to sleep now for real
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re: no one cares, i was texting with a friend about how i think we're attracted to completely different sets of guys and as a counterexample, he brought up this friend with benefits -_- yay thanks for reminding me of him -_-
(oh but it's okay!!! cause he said sorry for bringing it up!!!! so it's fine now and i'm not spiraling into self hatred!!!!!!!!! wait no i still am)
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and here i am, friday night at my parents place in the suburbs, sleep procrastinating, and thinking about a person who hurt me without meaning to; four months ago already; and unable to let go. just steeping myself in self pity like a teabag that's been in the cup for too long