autism, internalized homophobia, internalized ableism
realizing i actually really diagnosably might be autistic is feeling a lot like realizing i was gay felt back then: years of mild suspicion without really taking it seriously, but then once it gets real, i sink into depression and utter terror at the thought
this despite never actively being taught against either of those things?, just kinda culture-osmosis-ing the fear of being different (in a new way on top of all the existing stuff) and the insults directed occasionally at people like that
even though neither of those things were new ways of being different from the people around me. rather, these are things that have always been there with me. they're actually fundamental core ways that i've always BEEN different from the people around me
hinting at unspecific trauma, re: autism, internalized homophobia, internalized ableism
another thing they have in common is looking back at events all the way from my earliest memories and up until (present), and realizing "aaaaaahhhh ok so thaaaaaats why" then 2 seconds later "oh god that is fucked up" and the obligatory sinking feeling that comes with remembering those memories
