it was very weird and scary going nonverbal next to other people. felt vulnerable and guilty

i usually tend to just stay in bed when it happens, but i don't think it's ever happened so intensely before?

some random thoughts about this in no perticular order:
* this feels like a classic(????) autism thing but i'm hashtag not a licensed professional
* i wish my friends and family understood some israeli sign language, and i wish i knew more of it than the ~10 words i know
* i could still talk perfectly fine to dogs! and look them in the eye! dogs are amazing and they helped me out of it and maybe i need a service(?) dog
* choosing emoji was scary and overwhelming because of all the faces looking at me from the screen
* thanks everyone on fedi for cw'ing eye contact because i just Could Not handle that unprompted
* amazingly, as usual, i was 100% conscious and thinking in complete and sometimes multilingual sentences, including formulating full sentence responses to what people said to/around me!!! and yet i couldn't move my speaking parts to speak any of it out loud
* i was at some point able to sing quietly along to music, but only in languages that i'm not native in (ie not hebrew and not english)
* maybe i should just never try to go to the place i tried going to again. perhaps avoid the area for a couple weeks..........
* weed helps me get from "completely uncommunicative" to "able to type on my phone", but i need to WANT to smoke for it to work........
* now that i'm verbal again (completely, and i think no longer stuttering) i............ kinda miss not being able to speak???? like.......... it felt like "haha! see?? i'm NOT normal!!! this is NOT fine!!!!!!! my brain is irreparably broken and i knew it!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i told all y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was right about all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (i think the kids these days call this "feeling validated"?)