way back when, interactions with kids my age always felt somewhere between boring and torturous; and yet in interactions with adults i'd be patronized and minimized constantly. one of the things i always wished for the most was to be seen as an Equal.

me and my brothers absolutely hated each other growing up, and would actively disrupt each other's lives as constant back and forth revenge. my parents both worked full time or more, and by the time they'd come back home they'd have 0 emotional bandwidth for us (and the little they did have, had to go mostly to my younger brother, because he was younger and needed more help)

teachers and family members alike always told me that i need to learn to do this or that myself, that they can't keep helping me because i'm old enough to learn how to do this or that myself already; i prided myself on being more independent than my brothers were, and the adults definitely encouraged that; maybe, i thought, i could learn the things i had to learn, and prove that i am, or maybe even truly become, an Equal

when i started being sexually attracted to people, it was always the pretty and athletic guys who wouldn't speak to me (because what would either of us even say?)

and in high school some of my friends started to have sex, but i had no idea how to even begin approaching that situation, despite really wanting in on the action (the first guy i asked out hadn't realized i wanted a date, possibly because i didn't know the conversational script to use; the first guy i wanted to have a one night stand with told me he can't "corrupt the youth" or whatever even though he was my age)

ive been at that point already navigating indecipherable social situations my whole life, while authority figures around me refused to give any help or useful advice ("oh, when it happens you'll know what to do, don't worry about it! 🙂" -- oh it happened, i didn't know what to do, and i'm still worried about it to this day)

so naturally sex felt the same to me. here is this complicated social situation (bonus: with a physical movement/action/whatever associated with it), and the Keepers Of The Secret Knowledge can't share it and give me advice -- only tell me that they can't explain, and that i'll have to figure it out for myself.

teenage talk of "good/bad kisser" or whatever only heightened this sense of there being a secret way to do things "right" that some people know but refuse to give up their exclusive rights to. i had to have as much crappy grindr sex as possible to "learn the ropes", to learn the conversational, textual, and physical cues and scripts, and finally become these people's Equal

at the same time, at school, i'm having trouble with literature, history, and anything else that requires writing medium to long form answers in prose; i ask teachers for help, but all they can do is wonder how such a smart kid has so much trouble with such a simple assignment ("i don't get it, what's there not to understand???") and my peers also had no idea what i found so hard either ("i just write the answers on the test? idk")

i finally started to understand this stuff only when one of the teachers (who everyone but me despised ofc) explained to us what the different ways are that they can phrase questions, what keywords to look for, and what each phrasing implies about the expected structure of the answer. i finally had a script! i could finally do As Expected, and maybe become worthy of being treated as an adult, as an Equal

and fast forward to my adult(?) life -- my friends all have full time jobs, and/or they live in a different country; my brothers and i will do absolutely nothing to help each other out because we still low key dislike each other; my parents have gotten used to me not needing anything from them from years of being unable to help me with anything other than cash and car rides; a lifetime of everyone drilling into my head the importance of being Independent and Strong and Not Ask For Help

and so there is no one i can ask help from. i am, obviously, their Equal -- and so if they can do all these things by themselves, why can't i? so i don't usually ask for help with anything. but when i do try, i get polite refusal (at best) for almost anything because helping/accommodating me inconveniences others. and i can actually totally understand why we tend to place our own wants and needs over accommodating and helping others, and i can totally understand that my friends and family are busy, depressed, unavailable, and don't want to spend the little free time they do have, helping me out with basic tasks that i "should" be able to do myself as their Equal

and so in this context, with all of that shaping my thoughts, my hopes, my aspirations, my relationships -- with all of that and more to create the person i am -- i am now beginning to realize that i'm autistic and have relatively high support needs. that i will never be an Equal to the people i wanted to emulate; that i will always be looked down on by almost anyone who knows my (yet-undiagnosed) neurotype; that i'll in a way always socially remain a child

so what do i do? do i move back in with my parents because getting a job again seems about as possible as flapping my hands to fly? do i keep getting and then quickly burning out of tech jobs again over and over just so i can pay extortionate rent? do i spend more and more of my life-savings/lucky-startup-selling-out-money just to maintain a status quo i'm not even sure i want anymore?

and should i even get diagnosed? i have no one to ask what/how much disability benefits The Institute for National Insurance hands out to autistic adults (and there's a good chance the answer is literally nothing) and in every context except disability benefits, an official diagnosis feels like something that can only hinder me?

how do i find a new therapist? or do i just go back to the previous one who felt judgy and annoyed with me all the time, because that's what i grew up with and it's the only way i know how to have a conversation?

something something unmasking? how the heck do i even begin to approach that, after constantly being conditioned by people around me (including family, and including people who i still consider to be "friends") to hide everything that's "weird" about me, for literally my entire life?

what is the profit of a person for all their work that they toil under the sun? a generation comes and a generation goes and yet the land still stands. the sun rises, the sun sets, and back to its place it goes to shine on. going south and turning north, round and round goes the wind, coming and going back again. all of the rivers flow out to sea, and yet the sea doesn't fill up. where the rivers go to, from there they go back again.

and what's up with me not speaking????? is this just the new normal? how am i going to communicate with my roommate? with my parents and grandparents who i hate for no discernible reason? with my friend i chicago who i'm going to see again? with border control at the airport?

maybe i need new friends and a new family 🙃