wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

hello nonverbal episode following a failed attempt at doing the thing. this feels ridiculous. i can type but i can't make eye contact and i can't speak; and like ; wtf.

feeling like a small child being obstinate idk

current mood: *dog whining sounds*

i hate the "people with depression are so brave and strong!" discourse

you know what requires courage and strength? ignoring every natural instinct your body and mind might have so you can inflict a very painful thing on yourself in the hopes that it kills you

you know what doesn't require any courage or strength? lying in bed all week with the curtains drawn smoking weed and watching tiktoks until your eyes burn while not eating anything because you feel like you're too fat

the inertia of life is a non choice and the only reason i keep going is that i lack the courage and strength to end it

this, combined with the social exclusion that the preparations towards said experience have inadvertently emphasized, is, how shall i say? making me funging want to die already

basically id rather die than do a traumatic and stressful and probably literally triggering experience this evening

want,,, die

haha i should die already

my brain has temporarily run out of firearms in its war against me and is busy buying more on the black market

this day started with me completely overwhelmed and full blown ideating, but i still managed to do a whole bunch of Things I've Been Needing To Do and now it's midnight and i'm feeling........ temporarily okish

i spoke with someone in english! in real physical space!! and now i'm slightly overwhelmed by the interaction

i went to get my hair bleached so now when i look in the mirror i'm all like hey wow this person is very gay

today i am: hanging by a god damn thread

ironically enough my best eating habits, best digestive system behavior, and best body image, were all back when i would weigh everything i ate and meticulously kept track in a calorie counting app

it's popular these days on the left to say that calorie counting causes eating disorders or whatever, but i think my adhd/autism/whatever really benefitted from having that rigid self-imposed structure, and i had enough motivation to do all that because i firmly believed it'd help me get a better looking and better functioning body

(as for better functioning: when i was really strict with my choices i could actually calm most of my crohn's/ibs symptoms most days! but that was a very, VERY difficult assortment of foods to stick to)

i should probably re-integrate the daily tracking aspects to give myself that structure to distract myself from suicidal thoughts and force me to view the bigger picture of exercise, physiotherapy, and the concept of eating things that aren't 60% sugar

maybe like a sheet of graph paper with columns for types of physiotherapy things and rows for days, so i could mark lots of tiny check marks?

maybe i can do this thing. maybe i can,, like,, do this whole,,, being alive thing

this panel, but out of context, pretty much sums it up

i am awoken. i want to be dead

whenever i ask for help (when it's offered) i end up getting scolded and complained at

i am a burden on the people around me

for someone living in a world with finite and dwindling resources i sure am a waste of them