wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

i am irreparably broken in so many ways

managed to open up a bit to a friend and all it took was a 4 hour phone call + walk leading up to it to get me to feel comfortable enough

this feeling has, at some point, shifted to looking in the mirror and thinking "is that me? nah that's not me. wait. is it? shit"

no i don't want to """talk""" i want to infodump at someone who will engage with the information and find it useful

what does emotional support look like for me? what does it look like for other people? do the few people in my life ever try to give anything like that to me? do i recognize it as support if and when it does happen, and does it match what i need/want?

how do i even ask for emotional support? like, literally, how do i phrase a sentence so that allistic people realize that's what i need?

is it ok to use weed as an emotional crutch if i don't have any emotional support network in my life? am i being ableist for thinking it's inappropriate? am i being stupid for thinking it's appropriate?

another day has begun. i still want to be dead

i get it when randos on twitter assume all autistic people are children or whatever, but seriously! doesn't someone who works in the field realize that autistic people don't suddenly vaporize when they turn 18

i finally managed to fill out and send back one of the two autism diagnosis questionnaires i was given

the other one is just.... literally meant for parents of young children, all phrased in the 3rd person (and masculine lmao, because hebrew), and containing such wonderful gems as "Easily separates from parents and daily caretakers" or "Does not understand how events are related to one another (cause and effect), in the same way that others his age do"

like,,,, dear diagnosis lady,, you do realize that you sent this questionnaire to an adult person who used to work full time, pays their own rent, cooks their own food, navigates through the world mostly independently, etc. ...... right?

i am falling orbs; im voyaging spheres; im causing testicles to fall; t r i p p i n g space b a l l s

am i making sense? disclaimer: i am tripping balls as the kids these days say

i have become so entrenched within the problem and i have no energy left to explain enough to anyone and so i don't say anything instead and vent here with vaguely concerning posts

oh don't mind me i'm just desperately trying to be Seen And Wanted by various Attractive People on grindr thereby driving myself into a spiral of lower and lower and lower self esteem

my presence is unnecessary and harmful

rando on grindr after i confess to feeling like shit: "oh yeah being in your 20s is a lot of drama, but your 30s will be calmer"

yeah maybe in 2 years i'll suddenly magically be mentally healthy and emotionally stable

my existence is unnecessary and harmful to my environment

​

my voice is unnecessary noise in an overcrowded environment