wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

(re)reading restless town by @makyo and it's just....... wow. i feel like those stories speak to me on so many different levels and i'm so glad and grateful that they exist

idk if it worked

the grave realization that i spent most of my 20s trying to learn how to seem more neurotypical in conversation

i was hoping this dizziness and difficulty moving and tiredness whenever i wake up would go away after quitting weed, but just like my love of stupid jokes and my general stupidity, it was never the weed causing it

basically everything is bad kthxbai

so whatever

but that's not gonna happen and i'm not gonna even try after sitting with my ex in two different psych wards after two different attempts by him

anyway i wanna die regardless of everything and because of everything

is there a name for when you can only have sex with other people if you're attracted to yourself?

a friend with benefits was supposed to come over today but i'm feeling ugly and completely unsexy and now i'm really hoping he forgets about it so i don't have to disappoint him by canceling

basically i want ear piercings like hannelore from questionable content

feel like getting,,, a million piercings

good whatever time of day it is in your time zone. i'll go to sleep now for real

and the worst part is no one cares. when i try writing/talking to friends about it they say stuff like "go out and find someone better" (as if i'm not trying), or just change the subject. so here i am writing about it to internet strangers who probably don't really care either. because keeping these thoughts in my head/in my icloud notes/in my diary notebook feels like it's Just Not Enough

and here i am, friday night at my parents place in the suburbs, sleep procrastinating, and thinking about a person who hurt me without meaning to; four months ago already; and unable to let go. just steeping myself in self pity like a teabag that's been in the cup for too long

everyone i've tried dating since, or having sex with since, i compared to him. probably the best sex i've had so far; and i've seen him on grindr again since, so i know he'd probably be open to doing it again! but i suspect it'll just hurt me even more if i go back to that

it's been over four months and i'm still not even close to being over him. we weren't dating, just fucking; and i got hung up on him and didn't have the courage to tell him until it was too late and he started dating someone else (and told me that regardless he doesn't see us as a potential couple)

haha why did i look through those messages just now haha i just reminded myself of the pain and pathetic-ness that is the ruins of my love life haha

anyway i'll keep at it for next few weeks until i see her again, and i'll start taking the weird herbal pills and syrup she gave me, and if that still doesn't help my situation, i'll get rid of her