wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

today i am dizzy enough that i stopped to consider whether or not this might be vertigo (i have reached no conclusion)

i still wish i was dead tho

i went out and did things today

note to self: the feeling never goes away; i just sometimes relearn how to function despite it

basically i have the dumb version of writers block which is like regular writers block except ur also extremely dumb

feeling terrible but still kinda low to mid functioning today

drifting through space

i guess we were never all that different

i have become my toxic ex

i have no goals that i feel are in any way achievable, no creative drive other than a vague will to unspecifically create, no friends that i feel comfortable sharing my feelings with, and no activities that i enjoy doing for more than a few minutes

paralyzed by infinite choice every time i try to think what i want to do, and most times i just end up lying in bed wishing for death

i want attention but also i want to not communicate with anyone ever

feeling very, very broken

this is a quotation from the Talmud Yerushalmi, which is itself quoting another text that was found back then. roughly translates to "leave me for a day, and i'll leave you for two"

the text also gives two examples: "two people, one of whom came from tiberias and the other from tziporin, and met each other in a shared residence -- they didn't have an opportunity to say goodbye, before one walked a mile and the other walked a mile, and now they're both two miles away from each other" and "a woman who was waiting for a man: as long as she stayed in his thoughts for marriage, she would sit and wait, but since he let his mind wander away from her, she went and married another"

it's originally given as a metaphor for faith and stuff like that, but i find that it works great as a metaphor for physical health/unhealth as well. for every day of neglecting to take care of myself, i get back not one, but two days of feeling shittier than before

when i feel ok, this thought can inspire me to keep going with exercises and healthy diets and stuff; but when i already feel like shit, it usually just frustrates me to be reminded that even if i do go back to taking care of myself, it'll take a while before i start feeling the effects again

יום תעזבני, יומיים אעזבך

there, i did some physiotherapy exercises

strong shiba inu dot jpeg weak shiba inu dot jpeg

anyway here i am feeling broken ugly useless and worthless

then the next day all of my orthopedic troubles are still there and i lose all motivation again and

every once in a while i get random inspiration to do some physical therapy exercises, but for them to actually make a difference i need to do them every 1-2 days, not randomly every 8-15 days