wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

"ושבח אני את המתים שכבר מתו מן החיים אשר המה חיים עדנה. וטוב משניהם את אשר עדן לא היה אשר לא ראה את המעשה הרע שנעשה תחת השמש"

"and i praise the dead who already died, over the living who still are alive. and more than both: those who still were not yet, who haven't seen the bad deeds done under the sun"

wanna smoke till i pass out and die till i'm dead

thank you twitter algorithm(tm) for showing me that a person who i purposely unfollowed a while ago has achieved the goal that i never could despite trying desperately for years

a wall of text
a construction company of writers

no one's gonna read this wall of text but i still enjoyed writing it

second sentence:
"What was, is what will be, (and what was done, is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun)"

Kohélet was king of jerusalem, probably during the 3-4 century bce, and he saw the world around him, and noticed that everything is cyclical -- the sun travels around him, again and again, and the seasons keep seasoning, again and again, and the rich exploit the poor, again and again, and nothing in the world has any real significance anyway.

i mean, (or rather, he means), who even SAID that our souls go up, or down, or ANYWHERE AT ALL when we die? we are all but DUST in the WIND, acting out PREDICTABLE PATHWAYS we can NEVER ESCAPE FROM, and the world NEVER fundamentally changes. day IN, and day OUT, and the Land. Still. Stands. the rivers all KEEP FLOWING OUT to sea, and yet the SEA somehow NEVER FILLS UP; from where the water goes to, it goes back to where it came from

what good is it even to WORK and to TOIL and to do ANYTHING at ALL???, except whatever just feels SLIGHTLY less SHIT????? cause, u know,,, all of us r just gonna........ literally all die, and leave behind a constant, cyclical, unchanging, uncaring world, that will never become better or worse for us having lived in it.........

so just try to escape this sorrow if you can, young pup -- learn things, eat well, drink fancy wine -- take part in anything that will somehow ease your pain. like everyone before you and everyone after you. because it's all the same anyway

(at least according to kohelet)

first sentence:
"Better that I die, than that I live." -- jonah, to god, after being forced to be at a place he never wanted to be, to do something he never wanted any part of, by a god he was utterly terrified of, who he was originally trying to run away from; after (spoiler alert) being THROWN OVERBOARD from a ship during a STORM, and getting swallowed up by a WHALE that took GOD KNOW HOW LONG to take him to NINEVEH, which is A THOUSAND OR SO MILES AWAY from his home and even farther from where he was going, JUST so he can tell them they made god ANGRY and that he's gonna NUKE THEIR ASSES -- so after all that jonah's there next to the city, fainting from the heat and the wind and exhaustion, and he pleads to god to end his life, saying "better that i die, than that i live"

there's something so depression-inducing about health problems, something so profoundly טוב מותי מחיי, and so irretrievably מה שהיה הוא שיהיה, that no other type of problem in my life (homer simpson so far dot jpeg) seems to have

after some more fiddling i made it probably maybe work with results that might indeed be what i need

and this was just one single yak i had to shave for this project's backend

wish me luck

basically what happened is my roommate told me about an idea for some project that they don't have the time to make, and ever since then i've been obsessing over that, and that's why it's 1:31 am now and i'm trying to troubleshoot a monstrous postgres query filled with date comparisons and timezone sensitive stuff and gtfs edge cases

it's amazing how i managed to Do Things these past few days but still felt terrible behind it all

seeing how this injury is going so far, i think there's a good chance i'll never be able to do gym exercises and become the thembo i always wanted to be

haha went to the massage therapist for my forearm troubles; and after 60 minutes of hurting my various muscles with barely any improvement, he says "wow i really don't know what more i can do for you! i haven't seen anything like this before"

well fuck me

i think at this point we can call it an addiction

i was hoping to get through the day without smoking weed but i think that might not be happening

maybe i need a new therapist

haven't been to therapy for a few weeks now and every time i think of setting an appointment i give up cause it always just makes me feel worse in the short term

feeling useless, ugly, and irreparably broken

resisting the urge to lie down and rot

i wrote 466 words and it only felt completely terrible to do