wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

i made like 75% of my code work with this one library, but it just matches TOO MUCH stuff! like you'd search for "dan" and it would mark every word containing "d", "a", or "n"

so now (probably tomorrow) im gonna have to find another one and refactor my code to use it, probably taking up several more hours, and i'm starting to doubt if it'd actually fit my overly complicated needs

trying to find a non stupid text search library is proving to be capital d Difficult

and all it took was completely ravaging whatever remnants of a sleep schedule i already had!!!!

i finally feel like i've actually made some decent progress with my stupid transit data project?????

missed opportunity: the first name ze'ev, literally 'wolf', exists to this day in the hebrew speaking world, and yet when my grandfather wolfgang came here in the 1960s, the State of Israel decided to change his name to shim'on = simon instead

another quote from that conversation is that i said "look at me! i haven't been productive in three years!"

them: "i dunno i just feel like a tiny cog in some huge machine [in hebrew: a tiny screw in the system]; what i did didn't really help"

me: "well you're not, like, an all powerful dictator. you work within a system. and it's better to be [a tiny screw in a big system] than to be like me, one of the screws that's still in the bag inside the hardware drawer"

my body is basically falling apart

i went out, i ate a croissant, i bought ham and breadrolls and white chocolate

but i dont actually want to be outside. being outside and next to other people just makes me feel like iona the cabman from misery by chekhov

maybe i should go out and buy unhealthy snacks cause i just ran out; that'd give me an excuse to be outside and feel terrible somewhere else for a change

writing all of this stuff here doesn't make me feel any better. getting replies/faves from internet strangers (hi there haha 🙃) doesn't make me feel any better. but not writing it makes me feel even worse

i'm in a prison of my own design

i just think about how i feel bad and how i wanna die and how my emotional needs are never met and ignore the other people around me

the reason i don't have any friends is that i'm too self centered to make any meaningful relationships

but then i don't wanna talk to them either so it's mutual i guess

basically most of my friends don't wanna talk to me when i feel bad and maybe they're not really friends?

and once in a while i have a text conversation with a random friend along the lines of:
- how are you?
- terrible
- oh
<end of conversation>

i can't create, i can't work, i can't volunteer, i can't write, i can't play music, i can't make videos, i can't make food, i can't keep my place clean