wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

i can only fall in love with attractive men who ignore me, or better: outright treat me like shit

it's actually kind of amazing that i only now am starting to realize that i'm into men who mistreat me because literally all of my relationships and all of my crushes were like that haha

basically whenever someone is nice to me i get suspicious and cut them out of my life but when someone's being shitty at me then i'm like: yupppp i can totally get where they're coming frommmm this is what a piecea shit like me deserves 👍👍👍👍👍

i don't deserve a healthy relationship and the main reason is that i automatically destroy anything in my life that might become one

ah some good ol ldar vibes today

needed to get my daily dose of self- and world-hatred so i went on grindr 👍🥳🙃

on the one hand it would explain:
1. a lot of weird conversational habits i have
2. my various hypersensitivities
3. my near constant feeling of miscommunication with nearly everyone except very few friends and family members
4. my hyperfixations
5. my creepiness (i.e. totally not understanding social cues) back in high school and maybe today too
6. masking: a thing i only recently learned has a name but that i've been doing for years and calling "pretending to be normal and hoping i don't weird others out"

on the other hand: i'm pretty sure the only definition of autism that's accepted in this country is the....,,, classical one, let's call it, and is usually reserved for children only for some reason???? so idk how to even check if i'm right??????

my therapist (who i haven't seen in quite a while now actually) always just kinda dismissed this thought when i'd bring it up, but i think it actually gives pretty good answers to a lot of questions he's asked me over the years that i'd never had a good answer for before

the urge to feel less useless by giving away all my money to people who need it and actually want to stay alive

i'm not really a good person. i'm not even nice tbh. and my difficult relationship with my own and others' physical appearances makes me feel like even more of an ass, especially on dating apps

aaaaaand here i am once again convincing myself that i'm unworthy of or otherwise unable et cetera et cetera

the mere knowledge that there exist people who are attractive, especially "more attractive than me", and that i can't ever hope to be wanted by, is enough to ruin my whole week

also i haven't gone to see my therapist for a while now and last time i texted him he didn't reply and now i don't wanna bother him and maybe i also don't wanna talk to him again regardless

i have a lot of thoughts and zero feedback vis a vis whether or not they make any sense at all

so instead i just post about it to internet strangers on fedi, feel bad, eat hot chip, and lie down and rot

i'm a drain on society's limited resources and my presence in the world is a net negative 👍👍👍👍

i can't create, i can't work, i can't volunteer, i can't write, i can't play music, i can't make videos, i can't make food, i can't keep my place clean

basically most of my friends don't wanna talk to me when i feel bad and maybe they're not really friends?

but then i don't wanna talk to them either so it's mutual i guess

i just think about how i feel bad and how i wanna die and how my emotional needs are never met and ignore the other people around me