wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

want,,, die

haha i should die already

my brain has temporarily run out of firearms in its war against me and is busy buying more on the black market

this day started with me completely overwhelmed and full blown ideating, but i still managed to do a whole bunch of Things I've Been Needing To Do and now it's midnight and i'm feeling........ temporarily okish

i spoke with someone in english! in real physical space!! and now i'm slightly overwhelmed by the interaction

i went to get my hair bleached so now when i look in the mirror i'm all like hey wow this person is very gay

today i am: hanging by a god damn thread

ironically enough my best eating habits, best digestive system behavior, and best body image, were all back when i would weigh everything i ate and meticulously kept track in a calorie counting app

it's popular these days on the left to say that calorie counting causes eating disorders or whatever, but i think my adhd/autism/whatever really benefitted from having that rigid self-imposed structure, and i had enough motivation to do all that because i firmly believed it'd help me get a better looking and better functioning body

(as for better functioning: when i was really strict with my choices i could actually calm most of my crohn's/ibs symptoms most days! but that was a very, VERY difficult assortment of foods to stick to)

i should probably re-integrate the daily tracking aspects to give myself that structure to distract myself from suicidal thoughts and force me to view the bigger picture of exercise, physiotherapy, and the concept of eating things that aren't 60% sugar

maybe like a sheet of graph paper with columns for types of physiotherapy things and rows for days, so i could mark lots of tiny check marks?

maybe i can do this thing. maybe i can,, like,, do this whole,,, being alive thing

this panel, but out of context, pretty much sums it up

i am awoken. i want to be dead

whenever i ask for help (when it's offered) i end up getting scolded and complained at

i am a burden on the people around me

for someone living in a world with finite and dwindling resources i sure am a waste of them

i can only assume that most people who aren't me mostly want to be alive? at least that's the vibe i get from people being horrified when i say i want to die?

scrolling twitter reading about people who died in various accidents and thinking damn why them and not me

resisting the urge to crawl under my desk and curl up in a tiny ball

like i always suspected that's what i am to my """friends""" (all 4 who i still ever text with) and now i have it confirmed 🥳

a few(?) days(?) ago i was on the phone with a """friend""" talking about some stupid programming project and he just literally outright said "i could be talking to furries in vrchat right now so if you want me to stay you need to be worth it"

like WOW mask friggin OFF

i completely shut down after that. the conversation went on but i was totally disengaged and now i can't get myself to talk/text him again because i know that i'm probably his least attractive option for what to do at any given time