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i'll always be a stranger in a strange land

went out for food and a walk at 3 am but i still wish i was dead

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anyway i'm feeling guilty for... *checks notes* taking up valuable fediverse tl real estate so i'll go back to feeling awful and watching youtube/tiktok

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i can't be anyone other than who i am and i am a terrible person

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the only way to make myself tolerable to other people is to resist every single urge i have and stop myself from saying anything i want to say and go full on make believe professional hollywood actor whenever i realize i'm expected to give an emotional reaction

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i'm insufferable when i unmask, and i'm starting to get why my toxic ex did what he did 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

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i am, however, capable of feeling extremely guilty for mildly inconveniencing, hurting, and/or disappointing other people!

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i'm not really capable of feeling happy/sad for others, but i've suffered negative consequences for not pretending, so i pretend every time

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i'm genuinely relieved (and happy for others?? not sure i'm capable of that) every time someone decides i'm not worth it and goes off to live a life that's so much better thanks to not having me in it

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no one in their right mind should ever want to be in any kind of relationship with me really and i'm tired of witnessing person after person grow sick of things i can't change only to inevitably free themselves of the burden that is me

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i am irreparably broken in so many ways

i don't want any of this; i want everything to stop forever

the only things that matter to me in choosing my presentation are: 1. will men want to have sex with me, and 2. will i want to have sex with me

all else is irrelevant to my idiot brain 👍👍👍

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this is definitely Fine and not a big internalized sexism in any way is it

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