wolfe but sad @wolfgang@awoo.space

it took 61 hours, but the euphoria of being on a trip is gone, and i'm back to ideating suicide again as per usual

i keep buying clothes during massive crises that have to do with my presentation and then i never wear most of them ever again; let's see what happens with these that i bought just now

starbucks soy hot chocolate: 4/10 it tasted bitter like fancy dark chocolate, and bitter is, as we know, the least good of the flavors; but it was infinitesimally more comforting than staying at the hotel room

wow! i can already imagine doctors, family, and maybe a few """friends""" telling me my supposedly-mild orthopedic troubles are 100% treatable and unimpressive and that i don't REALLY need an [insert mobility aid here]! amazing! thanks, me!!

like maybe even a wheelchair could have helped me greatly but like,,,,,,,,,, there's gonna be questions and even more ableism from family and friends and i just.... no

maybe i should just splurge on ubers/taxis to everywhere when my legs/feet hurt instead of pretending i'm abled and healthy

also i wish i didn't have to smoke weed to stay alive and/or not unalive myself, because then i could get a driver's license and probably walk/stand less on my worse days 🙃🙃🙃

i keep overexerting myself by walking too much, but i also keep pushing myself to walk more (because i need to do things and get places), and i don't want to ask for help with things or use mobility aids because [see posts about the person at the airport a few days ago]

i need closed captions in real life

it feels so weird to finally speak english with americans who assume that i'm also american; so many phatic expressions and fixed conversational scripts that i need to catch up on live and in production mode while probably-autistic and high

enjoying chicago very much so far

american public transit is making me gain a newfound appreciation for israeli public transit

and it's just so friggin humiliating to be vulnerable in front of someone and ask for help only to be yelled at and mocked for it just because i look too healthy or idk what

my leg and foot already hurt because i've over exerted myself and i don't wanna walk to the gate, but i also don't have the spoons to get yelled at again for daring to need assistance from a person whose literal job is to assist people in need of assistance

ugh i tried asking for help from one of the airport workers that drives old and disabled people around in a cart, and he yelled at me and asked if i "think this is a taxi of some kind" and if you're ever wondering why i don't like to ask for help, and why i feel like a fake disabled person, shit like this is why. this stuff gets to me real bad

i think everyone's staying home because of all the closed streets and highways; the city feels almost empty rn

another thing with really really bad timing for me: a very important rabbi passed away last night, so half the roads in the tel aviv area are completely closed for his funeral: a massive event with mourners coming in from all over the country, that's not in tlv proper but right next to it

i called and asked to reschedule and i don't think it'll be any trouble, but it's like, wow, terrible timing

good morning to you too, text messages from the national insurance institute telling me i have to come in for a disability reassessment at a date when i'm supposed to be in the usa

(i managed to do it through the app; everything is fine; now i just gotta hope i don't get refused entry into the usa for having too many ear piercings or whatever)