I know a lot of things are wrong. I know that I'm working for a company that many would consider evil. I know that I interface with a society that is imbalanced and systemically oppressive. I recognize that my cohort in embodied life are flippantly privileged, and that regardless of my recognition, that I am as well.

I also recognize that my body is wrong. That many parts of reality /feel/ wrong. And I acknowledge that I cannot make any of that right if I continue on the path I'm currently on.

But I'm so tired. And beyond that, so weak.

There's a huge part of me that just can't do it. There's a part of me that says, "Just give up on all that, since we've invested so much effort into the other things - the expected things. We can't lose all that, and we don't have the energy or resources to fight those battles".

There's a part of me that just shrugs and says, "Keep your head down and be what everyone thinks you are. Bend to the times, blend with the climate."

Be good. Go to work. Make work your top priority. Don't be queer. Don't be weird. Don't be a genie.

Don't be a girl.

It's easier that way.

There's plenty of excuses to hide behind. Plenty of ways to hunker down, safe in the privilege that comes with meeting expectations. Plenty of ways to distract yourself into being what's required and what's asked for, despite it being unjust and wrong.

And beyond anything else - there's less failure that way. Less rebuke, less exterior harm.

Just give up and be who the world says you are, and you won't have to fight against it.

...

There's also a part of me that sees that and says, "I'd rather die", but the voice is very small and very easy to silence.

I remain a creature adverse to risk, and shamefully reliant on comfort. And as a consequence, I fear I shall hide behind a mask that is harmful to many of you for the rest of my life. A mask that resembles those who would be oppressors.

Forgive my weakness. I wish it weren't so.