mood (~)
Feeling old and moody and maybe a little hollow today. I think it might have been triggered by a discussion of "late bloomers" on Reddit.
Those always get to me, and the more "inspirational" they try to be, the more they feel like they're damning me with faint praise. "Oh, don't worry! We found eight whole people who succeeded past age 40!"
It just reinforces the notion that this is rare, and the successes are some kind of wild exception to the reality you're useless once you hit 40.
mood (~)
I mean, things are okay. Life is okay. I just headed off another minor health scare, Peg and I had a great weekend, there's no immediate reason to think Parallax's future can't be bright, we still have an awful lot of fun bantering, I'm watching my diet and losing weight so obviously I've got no small commitment to life (given I'd much rather be eating ice cream by the pint)...
mood (~)
I dunno, though. I still feel restless. It's weird, living just me and a partner for the first time in my adult life. I'm feeling some of that atomization and alienation that I had worked so hard to keep out of my life.
I always felt like I had a loving community getting my back, in the very likely event my flaws made me falter badly again. And now that I'm living outside the tribal lands... I'm surviving better than expected, but there's so much time I just don't know how to fill.
mood (~)
I mean, god, it's nice to only have to worry about managing one other person's emotional needs, especially when she's refreshingly up-front and light-hearted about what those needs are. But it's weird just having the one immediate option when I'm sad and need a confidant, or want to watch media, or have a joke that needs inflicted on someone, or (gods save Peg's fussy soul) want to go out on a food adventure.
mood (~)
It's got its excellent sides, too.
I like being in a place where 99% of the tiny fleeting disputes can be resolved by going RAWR as loud as possible at each other. I like being the only person in the house sometimes. I like not feeling like I have to coordinate everything with everyone. And I just plain like Peg.
But it's just strange, sometimes, and a little quiet, and a little lonely. There's a vibrance to a big noisy high-traffic household I miss.
mood (~)
And beneath that, there's a certain... demystification going on in my life. I don't really have an RP outlet. I never dress up anymore. Peg doesn't go as deep, integrating the fantasy stuff into her life, as a lot of my friends. I don't have a sentimentalist around, and I kinda miss it. I just feel like I'm losing touch with a lot of that side of me.
There's good compensation. A lot of it's been channeled into Parallax; that feels more advanced somehow than *just* living in my head...?
mood (~)
But yeah, all in all, feels like some part of me got cauterized over the past year. And there's a very real chance that it needed to go, and I'm better off without it. But whatever it was that got excised, I think I'm still getting some phantom sensations off of it.
There's this constant low-grade twitch in me lately, like I'm supposed to be doing SOMETHING on the Paracosm/Sehnsucht level-- and whatever appendage I'm supposed to do it with just ain't there.
