I had a dream about them. I had an argument with Jessie and left Kristy a question about where I stood, and got back a lengthy message telling me I was still loved and valid, and explaining exactly what had happened at length-- the exact opposite pairing it actually happened with, with the exact opposite result.

Clearly some part of my subconscious still thinks some kind of good resolution is possible from them someday. I guess I have to work harder to disabuse it of that notion.

It's all right, sort of. I've run the math in my head a thousand times. There's no way of recovering from this. In every single scenario, it looks like either I did something unforgivable or they did. There's no away around it.

And they did me a big favor. I was stuck in a rut there, feeling superfluous and unreal, lonely every day among four other people. I miss them and it's lonely here outside the stream of Big Group Furry Socialization. But I did not thrive there all alone.

I'm still confused as hell by the whole thing. I still to this day have absolutely no idea what specific I said to make them go from friendly and recovering (as far as I know) to Defcon 1 in a day's time. I can think of a lot of things, but I swear to the gods, during that last exchange that she blocked me for, I was confused and upset at Kristy, not angry or hostile at the least. She *had* to misconstrue at least one piece of genuine well-wishing in order to take offense...

...I think? I honestly have no idea to this day.

But I do know that I was using the word "zugzwang" on a daily basis back then. ("A chess position in which every single possible move would hurt you, and you'd like to pass your turn but you can't.")

Firing me into the sun like they did sure ended that sense of zugzwang. I'm grateful for that. (And incidentally, for the YEARS of free rent and sincere attempts to care for someone who could be very, very difficult when depressed.)

I dunno. This was supposed to be an attempt to talk about a bad dream, not to finally open up about everything that happened. If nobody was all that curious before, I don't know why they would be now.

Maybe missing Bandaza has got it on my mind, even though I'd already resolved to skip it regardless. Whatever.

Anyhow. The dragon is spiky and a little cold-blooded but she *never* leaves me feeling like I'm supposed to guess what I did wrong. Life's less cozy but less confusing.

@zebratron2084 it being Bandaza-time would bring it up and keep it fresh emotionally, yah. it sounds like some stuff has settled well in your head since you wrote this, and I'm glad of that. *gentle headbumps*

@troodon *shrug* It's okay, sib. As the French say, sesst lah vee-yay.

Did I mention you and the gentle headbumps have been a HUGE source of comfort since that all fell apart, and you're one of the ones I'll miss the very most? <3

(Incidentally, do you actually have any preferred real-time chat method at the moment? I'd love to just be able to sit and BS with you in a less asynchronous format if you'd be into that, esp. once we've moved...)

@zebratron2084 I do not have a preferred real-time chat method! I'm amenable to try stuff, so let me know if there's something you like and I'll gnaw at it and see if I can get it to work? XD

@troodon I'm mostly on telegram, @zebratron2084 there as well! But don't feel you have to mess with a whole new platform for me! Masto works fine for me too!