I really depend on having friends who will grant me a 30-second rewind on anything stupid I say. I mean... I think I have _neurological_ obstacles to applying the brakes any faster than that.

And I try to extend other people the same offer. I can't deal with people who will hold something I blurt against me for all time. I may be a bitey pain in the ass, but I think I have a pretty good record of accepting sincere apologies from other people who bite me.

There's a VAST fucking difference between me and my hindbrain, and while I realize it can be a lot of effort, it really means a lot to me when people acknowledge the difference.

You can always blame me for not doing proper amends. You can always blame me for not trying to fix the way we communicate so it happens less and less. But if you ask me to never get upset, never say anything I don't mean, and never react with panic when I feel cornered... you're asking me to do things I literally have been attempting for decades and _still don't know how people do it._

I don't think I can simply turn that off, any more than an autist can simply "turn on" the second-order empathy, or a depressive can simply "cheer up."

So it's either stop existing, or try accommodate myself as best I can. I've chosen the latter, and intend to continue, but man, it's been hard sometimes this year.