mh (~), fake introvert issues, social anxiety, spilling some big stuff
I'm just so tired of the social guessing games. I'm so tired of not knowing where I'm wanted and where I'm not. I'm so tired of never knowing if silence is just Seattle Freeze, someone drifting away from social media, or being done with me.
It sure didn't help to be told repeatedly by certain people that I'm fine, everything is fine, only to be told things were NOT indeed fine years later... and having the blade in my back be the first sign of it. >_<
I really don't know anymore. I'm skittish and afraid of... most of you, to be perfectly honest. I keep fighting the urge to run and hide, especially for fear of just redoubling someone's impression of me as a flake, someone who does this stuff for attention.
Honestly? I do it for the hope of some STABLE affection. It's not "oh my god, please invite me back." It's "it's safe over here in the dark and I can maybe wait it out until I get some clear signal from someone."
You can imagine what it was like for me in a household where, no matter how convinced I still am that everybody was doing the best available to them, the signals were NEVER clear.
And now, every time I go to talk to a friend, I'm just WAITING for that dead, awkward silence and another round of wondering if I should approach and try to be friendly, or take the hint and run screaming.
Right now? I'm dealing with it mostly by reverting to old version of myself, that dealt better with solitude. And taking refuge in Anthracite and her Zen-like draconic indifference to most of the stupid things I do. <3 <3 <3 And I'm petting more cats. And I'm learning love work and writing and stuff. And I've been persuading myself, "Well, you can always fade from social media, ghost everybody, and start a new life."
But dammit, I don't WANT to. I just want to feel secure and safe again, and not spend EVERY social interaction wondering "Is this person trying to give me secret 'fuck of' signals? If I haven't heard from you in three months, should I just assume I fucked something up and you hate me now?"
I miss you, I miss storytelling, I miss the old friends I lost (or at least, the old versions of them that are gone forever?), I miss being able to approach you with my head held high, and I miss that sense that I had a truly reliable source of Changeling Chow. *hangs head*
But I can't play these guessing games anymore. And I'm up for ANY suggestion for a way out.
mh (~), fake introvert issues, social anxiety, spilling some big stuff
@zebratron2084 The Postfurries reached Dunbar's number without a strong norm of making sure that conflicts get resolved, or at least managed. Some gatherings have felt like walking through an excellent fireworks show.. in the middle of an ammunition warehouse.
While we haven't interacted much, you're definitely alright by me.
re: mh (~), fake introvert issues, social anxiety, spilling some big stuff
@Verdigris I mean, we could write VOLUMES of good sociology about how we fucked up. :)
And while I am DEFINITELY partly responsible for that... yeah, I feel like there was a certain anarchistic chill-vibe that I tried to bring to the whole thing that people just kinda... forgot about. *sigh* (Is it OK if I blame Trump for this, too? :) I saw some really good people turn really cold and cruel out of... somewhat understandable paranoia, militancy, and impatience.)
We did NOT have good conflict resolution at all, and my only consolation is that basically all the 1960s counterculture groups I worshipped in my adolescence more or less fucked it up the same way. I could dish for hours about it. :D I just can't believe I was arrogant enough once upon a time to think we were doing much better...
And I had forgotten about Dunbar's number. That's... yeah. That's very insightful. And highly applicable. *sad nod* Honestly... this just did not do well as an RL community. We were one of those bands who were always far far better in the studio than we were live, if you know what i mean. :D
