intercepted on 24th-century metaTinder
"SEEKING INTERPLANETARY FRENEMY FOR COLD WAR AND POSSIBLY MORE?
Us: fit, disease-free genetically uplifted feline race, 250 cm at shoulder
You: morally degenerate progenitor race with small crunchy skulls, huge reserves of seafood, slow runner, non-brachiating capitalists and authoritarians preferred
Turn-Ons: fish, loud noises, stompy boots, plasma rifles, huge cardboard forts, sushi, red plastic uniforms, anarchomonarchism, fish, catnip, dance music, mass invasions
Turn-Offs: extinction, ecological mismanagement, normative monotheism, cages, Rene Descartes, uppity wildlife documentarists, spray bottles
NO MOONCATS, SPACE COYOTES, OR CEPHALOPODS PLEASE"