I go through the motions of life, but my heart isn't in it.
The enchantment washed away a long time ago, the magic was chased away by bills, paperwork, and nonsense.
I'm growing up, and I'm growing old, and that terrifies me. I already feel the aches and pains that will grow with me as I get older.
Life is biting and gnawing at me, every day hurts a little more.
Can I get back home? Can't go backwards to where I was, and home isn't forwards in this life.
I want to go home. I want to be me.
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@matoakit I really sympathize with you there. I helped build a community that had everything I'd thought I wanted, came just within grasping distance of the transcendence and intimacy I was looking for, and then watched the whole thing collapse within the space of a year, due largely to things that were arguably my own damn fault.
Ever since then, I've kinda been in exile in a strange (but pretty) town, with no real-world social contacts except for my wife. I've moved from a legal cannabis state into a state of utter sobriety (and weathered it far better than I feared). Two of the best parts of my life are my domestic routine and my day job, and I NEVER thought I'd be the sort of person who could say that and not want to jump off a building over it.
I'm really lucky compared to a lot of my friends. My new hometown of New Orleans is goddamn gorgeous—and decadent, even if I haven't quite figured out how to get a piece of that and probably never will, introvert that I am.
And I basically married the best creative partner I've ever known, and the parts of my day that aren't spent on my day job are spent on my *real* job of trying to write the objectively queerest possible YA sci-fi comic with her. :D
But I still sit and sweat what I've lost every day, and wonder exactly when the lyrics to the Talking Heads' "Once In A Lifetime" became a concise abstract of my own adult existence. I don't know if there's any going back, besides looking at the kids who are basically living the life *I* wanted—hoping to the gods that some of the bridge that got them there was built with my spent old body.
I dunno, probably none of this is consoling to you in the least, and I apologize for venting at you like this as a near stranger. I just wanted to let you know your words rang really true with me, and you're not alone. Hugs offered if wanted. <3
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@zebratron2084 It's certainly appreciated and well read!
Might be a little different for me because I look at other peoples lives and there aren't any that I would want to trade with because the me that I am and the place I feel is home doesn't exist here at all.
That same daily job routine and those few that care are all I have.
Sounds like you found a good partner! That's a beautiful thing and the one big thing I haven't found in this life.
Thanks and *hugs*!
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@matoakit Yeah, honestly, I've done the "okay, look around the circle of people you envy and tell me, straight up, WOULD YOU TRADE?" game with myself. And I've always found it very therapeutic, because generally... no, I wouldn't!
I kinda LIKE the current arrangements of my scars and head divots. I earned them fair and square and damned if I'll give them up so easily. :>
