Being an American in the UK makes me feel like a second class citizen of the world. I come from a land where I can't afford healthcare, haven't had any interaction with a medical practitioner in more than a decade and if I were to get sick I would either be bankrupt or die. Here in the UK I'm surrounded by people that have free health care, but again, I don't qualify.
I'm depressed, I have severe untreated mental and physical problems that are getting worse, and absolutely no hope of miracles
Life (-)
I allowed the possibility of some miracle or benevolent being to reach out and pluck me from my ever darkening world, but it's unrealistic to hope for. Even if it were offered, I think it's too late to alter course now. Too much momentum.
The world is an interesting place, and I'm glad I experienced what I did. I wish I would have hurt fewer people, and made fewer mistakes, but that's life. I know I haven't responded to many of you recently, but I don't have the energy, I'm sorry.
Life and death (-)
To be honest with you all now I'm actually curious about death and what comes afterwards. Thoughts that I'll either find answers or eternal blissful sleep of nothingness makes whatever happens a beautiful transition.
I'm very ready to go, when the time is right I'll go with a smile and a spirit of adventure to boldly go where many have gone before.
I'm so thankful to all of you, too many to name. But almost everyone I follow here and on Twitter means something special to me.
Life and death (-)
Today is my birthday, and if all goes well my last birthday. I had chosen this day to be my last, but my lovely UK sis gave me reason to go on for a few more months. Spending the last of my savings and time here helps put my mind at ease.
I have nothing else to stick around for. I'd just be a burden if I went back home, and I'd suffer the entire time. There are several friends and family who offered to "adopt" me and pay for everything I need, but I couldn't live like that.
Life and death (-)
@matoakit I... I can't tell you what to do or not do. My situation is not yours.
But I can tell you this: I had similar plans once. January 1, 2000. I had a roommate who treated me like a nuisance, a fatigue disorder that was pulling all the life out of me, a useless degree, and a social life that consisted of exactly one non-abusive person. I had gone home for the holidays and decided to just... linger there indefinitely.
Life and death (-)
@matoakit And I'm going to go ahead and wish you a happy NEXT birthday. *hug*
Life and death (-)
@zebratron2084 Thank you very much for your kind words.
It has been an intense internal debate, as there are many lovely people I'd like to remain for, experiences that I'd enjoy, and new years to unfold.
But on the other side there is so much daily pain, both physical and mental and I feel that the daily anguish of life is something that I deserve to allow myself to be free of.
It's selfish, but my life has been mainly for others, all I want now is peace.
Life and death (-)
@matoakit
My plan was that if humanity didn't pull out something *amazing* to make it all worthwhile, I was finished.
I met my first boyfriend in late 1999. Very late 1999. He was there to drag me to Boston and restart my life, when I got kicked out of my apartment soon after. If he'd been just a few months late, I would have blown a life that, in retrospect, has been pretty damn enjoyable.
Whatever happens and whatever you choose, I wish you luck, safety, and joy.