dark thoughts, hypothetical violence, spleen venting
The probabilty increases day by day that, if during the course of my life I ever find myself bereft of both Peggy and my parents, I go out by committing a gruesome act of vengeance against a politician or executive.
Maybe I'll get lucky and something else will come along, worth loving so much that it's actually still worth living. Maybe someone wil actually rescue me. But there are better ways to go, and increasing reason to believe... this is basically it.
I don't think I can really imagine a next phase of my life. What the fuck am I gonna do, feed pigeons? Fan the pitiful embers of postfurry as a 78-year-old, in a world I'm SURE I'll have aged out of any meaningful cultural role in?
The only pity is that (to name but one example) Ted Cruz will probably die of old age, long before my schedule is clear enough to kill him myself.
cw: non-recent parental death; re: dark thoughts, hypothetical violence, spleen venting
@zx3 I mean, aye, there the rub. You're absolutely right and I REALLY appreciate the reality check. FFS, I've been convinced my loved ones and I were at the precipice of death since I was 12.
(Granted, that's because my dad had just died. But looking back, even that wasn't a "surprise" exactly. He... he knew damn well what was happening. He chose to ignore his cardiac diet and resume smoking. We found McD's french fry boxes under the seats of his car because he was hiding his binges from us, poor addicted bastard. D: I am pretty proud to this day to have outlived him and chosen so many Grown Up Things that this intimidating and bravado-driven man did not.)
But yeah. Even immediately after getting (rightly, I think) booted from Transliminal, I was genuinely convinced I was SCREWED and life as I knew it was over. And then Peg changed her mind about our ability to room together, took me in, and gave me the first really stable, happy period of my adult life.
For that matter, every single break-up I've had except for Rik (yay polyamory and yay dragoness!), I was totally sure that was my Last Hurrah too and nobody would ever put up with my bullshit again.
So yeah, I am not a very good doom prophet. I've been wrong a LOT and should probably try optimism at least once, if only for variety's sake. XD
re: dark thoughts, spleen venting
@zebratron2084 @zx3 *nods*
that whole “I’m 0-for-many (so far) on predicting what I ‘wouldn’t want to live through,’ might as well adjust the brain meats and see how Future Me feels about it” attitude has gotten me through some tight spots, and it’s probably going to get me through more