actual mood snapshot, anxiety (--)
I feel like Major Tom: just stranded, far out of reach of anything that could sustain me besides a vague sense of the wonder and terror of the world.
New Orleans is nice, but today it's not feeling like home. Home needs more than one other person in it. Home needs someone *else* who cares about you within a 1,000 mile radius.
The world just seems big and scary today, with less and less of a protective film between me and Lasting Existential Despair every year.
I need to find a way to really reconnect with people and dispel the idea that it's quiet these days because I'm a terrible person who fucked everything up. I haven't had a really good heavy conversation about feelings with someone in so long. I have absolutely no idea how to do this on this godawful corporatized nightmare of an Internet.
I love Peg so much, but she's really not the sort of person who needs or enjoys that kind of sentimentality. I feel like if anything I'm draining her a little when I go there.
I dunno. I don't exactly miss Seattle but I miss having at least had the illusion of some community and some support in the event that the Big One hits. I miss having people near. I guess everyone's in the same boat right now even their friends are physically nearby.
I just feel like I've run thru the last phase of my life where I had *huggable* friends, or confidants of any type. There are social contacts waiting here in NOLA for when things are sorted... but as yet no real *friends* and no major prospects for such.
Especially 'cause I'm just so tired and jaded. I don't know if I can summon the remnants Kincaid and turn on the charm ever again. I can't pretend I don't know I've hurt people and generally fucked up a lot of what I touched.
I dunno. I wanted to end on something positive 'cause this is all making it sound a lot more dire than it is. But yeah, you peel off a couple layers of cats and work and TV and dragon snuggles and this is what there is. *shrug* There ain't much else.
actual mood snapshot, anxiety (--)
@zebratron2084 What have you been trying, if I may ask?
re: actual mood snapshot, anxiety (--)
@JulieSqveakaroo let me answer your very valid question indirectly :)
re: actual mood snapshot, anxiety (--)
@zebratron2084 Ah.
*Hugs softly*
re: actual mood snapshot, anxiety (--)
@JulieSqveakaroo Yeah. Don't even know where to start. I might even have the energy to invest, just no earthly clue where or how.
More than anything right now I wish someone else would come along and play Mike Callahan for me. (i.e. just START SOMETHING, ANYTHING and let me just be a participant and guest) But I don't think anything like, say, Tapestries or Puzzlebox can ever be created again, not in this cultural and informational environment.
