Finally reconnected with my therapist. Big breakthroughs today... including finally getting up the nerve to discuss the accusations of abusiveness I got when Transliminal broke up.

We talked a LOT about what was really behind all that, how I long ago accepted my behavior was way unstable and my temper could be very scary to someone with Her background, but there was never ANY desire to control or manipulate behind any of the outbursts. It was all pure fear and self-hatred.

And she agreed. She said it just didn't sound like the usual warning signs at all-- and reassured me that Massive Temper Blowouts due to sheer sensory and emotional overload are really common among people with ADHD.

And I'd been TRYING to internalize that for years and move on, I suspected it's true, but... I guess I never felt morally qualified to be the one to turn off the alarm sensor. And FINALLY I can have a little peace there.

I wish you well, Orrery. I wish your whole family well. I don't think this was any more your fault than it was mine, and I DEFINITELY think a good chunk of it was my fault. I never wanted any of it, and to the last day, I cared so fucking much about you.

I hope we never see each other again, for both our sakes. I don't think the glitches that led us to fight can be fixed, only routed around. And Peggy has proven to be that route and I feel so much safer and more comfortable stuck otherwise-alone down here than I ever did "surrounded by friends" (true tho some of them proved to be <3 <3 ) in Seattle.