My inner demons have been safely cudgeled, stuffed in a sack, and sat upon.
Thank you all for your help and reassurance. I realize I've been a colossal pain in the ass, but I also know this is a vicious circle and I am GONNA break it for you, and return in my full powers someday. <3
(However, don't expect me to be any less cranky or misanthropic until... oh... maybe the second Tuesday of November in 2019? O:) )