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Thanks to everyone who's checked in on me. I will get through this physically intact. At least a huge amount of painful, frustrating ambiguity has finally been resolved, and that's something of a relief. The final exchanges at least left some hope of a reconciliation someday, and I can finally stop guessing at whether I'm supposed to be looking for hope or not.
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There is no war and no hate here, just aton of confusion & frustration about how exactly it got to this point, and a lot of questions about the events that led up to it that I'm giving up on getting answered.
Basically, I wrecked up a good friend's boundaries in the search for answers to old questions and I now realize that even that was a huge mistake and imposition. I can now work on putting all this behind me like they wanted and that's... fine-ish. I'm so damn tired of people hurting.
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But I got hurt too, and I won't pretend I'm not disappointed that's probably never going to get addressed. I want everyone to get along again someday, I really do, but in the meantime I've GOT to withdraw from people and things that remind me of this situation. I will always do my best to be there for you, ALL of you, in an emergency, and if I vanish for a bit, it's not out of anger or as punishment, but out of shame & recognition this stage of my life must be gotten past at all costs.
