Complete emotional logjam today. Feels like everything's still in ruins, and the only honorable thing to do is just walk away--- not only from the actual wreckage, but the whole settlement around it.

Everything collapsed so fast in the last year, and suddenly my life feels very small and contained. Suddenly I've gone from an ensemble cast where I felt forgotten all the time, to a two-person sketch comedy where I'm always on camera, even when I don't want to be.

I'm still just reeling.

Social media broke, two of my closest friendships broke (I *still* don't quite understand how), my country broke, all progress I made on being calmer broke, my fantasy life broke, my RP outlets broke, and my ability to trust other people, or trust myself around them when stressed, is breaking fast.

The common element in this: my faith broke. In myself and in a whole lot of other sources of security & self-love. "Time heals all" is not comforting when the hours, let alone days, drag so.

I'm trying so hard to be good. I'm trying so hard to keep a positive angle on things, and get on with my life in a way that brings good things for everybody. I'm trying so hard not to beat myself up to no good purpose, or ruminate on everything both sides may have done wrong.

I'm failing at all of the above. It's not helping that I've lost my main venue for contact with people I thought I still had a chance to be close to. Now I'm not even sure meeting me isn't just a huge burden on em.