I feel like I should be happier.

My first smartphone – not PDA or mobile phone, but the amalgamation of the two – was the very first Android phone on the market, the HTC Dream (branded as the T-Mobile G1). It was easily pocketable. The screen opened up (on a clever and very sturdy hinge) to a surprisingly good physical keyboard. It was a phone and a GPS unit and a web browser and unlike my Handspring Visor (which did none of those things) I could actually type on it. And it had decent battery life, at least at the start! And at the time, Google seemed like they were genuinely not going to be evil; a functional but open ecosystem was too good to pass up.

But after a while (read: once out of warranty) a couple of the keys weren't working so well and it was just a bit underpowered, so I went ahead and upgraded to an HTC Desire Z (the T-Mobile G2). The keyboard was a little less convenient, the hinge a little less sturdy, and there were numerous little software inconveniences that I had to overcome by rooting it and applying tweaks... but the screen and processor were definitely a step up, even if the battery life was a little lacking.

I don't remember what it was that stopped working, but the time came to replace it... and it had already been discontinued. The only handset-with-physical-keyboard available through T-Mo was the LG Optimus F3Q... and the keyboard was far less comfortable, but at least it had one! Rooting it was a pain in the butt, but had to be done just to get rid of the crapware. Its shiny-slippery shell made a case a requirement, and I think the added heat is at least part of why the battery needed replacing surprisingly soon. All the changes made to Android meant searching for new workarounds just to accomplish what I easily had on previous devices. Somehow, despite doing more, I ended up liking it less.

When it stopped working, there were no comparable devices. Everything available was weirdly large and mimicked the iPhone-style featureless black slab look. I finally gave up on the physical keyboard... but went with HTC's new "flagship", the HTC 10. By now I was afraid to upgrade to another version of Android because of how weirdly locked-down and customization-unfriendly it had become. It was positively harrowing to root, but its built-in firmware was so saddled with privacy-destroying junk that it was worth the risk of permanently bricking it – and that was indeed the risk. I never really got the hang of tiny little touchscreen keyboards, thus I did a lot less journalling and text-based communication because I spent most of my time having to correct typoes. The only case available for it even slipperier than it was. Rooting it was just as finicky as the previous device. Its fancy super-high-res screen gained distinct discoloration within the first couple months. Its battery needed replacing after a couple years... but being sealed within the unit, there was no replacing it myself, and nobody I contacted locally could work on the thing. The only thing for it was... a new phone.

By this point I positively resented feeling locked into a treadmill of ever-mounting bullshit that kept getting less and less accomodating and flexible. It felt every handset out there existed less to act as a useful smartphone and more to siphon away any remaining sense of data privacy. It got bad enough that I seriously considered trashing everything I knew and jumping ship to the freakin' iPhone... but no, here I am instead having a go at a Planet Gemini PDA ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gemini_(PDA) ) because it actually has a physical keyboard but now it feels like a huge mistake because very little Android software is adapted to work well on a screen that's wider than it is tall and it doesn't even have external volume buttons and I feel even more trapped and alienated and wondering how the hell to adapt.

I don't even know what I want anymore.

I miss my G1.