late night ponderings; worries
Today has been a helluva day. I am attempting to parse it all, but there is a lot there. Today's my store's 4th year anniversary, and this one's a little bittersweet. I always wanted to make it a thing the community could get behind and enjoy, but lately I just haven't seen that. Maybe it was the fractures. Maybe it was just that in attempting to appeal to the wider audience and sustain the business I pushed people away. I'm not sure.
late night ponderings; worries
I'm currently in a position where I have financial surplus from family, but don't know that my job can sustain my paycheck at its current level. It's left me reticent to do things for myself. I just today went and got my hair dyed, and even that felt like and overreach. I reached out to an artist to do a character reference sheet too, and she's responded. That's the first two times I've spent money on things for me in the past....4 months I think?
late night ponderings; worries
BLFC is on the horizon and I don't feel a particular yin to go or not. I know I need time away. I know it will help. I'm fighting against my instinct to save money. I'd rather go and do something quieter. Go camping. Spend time with those I care about. Explore deeper mysteries. Wear skirts, bras, and pretty things and not care who sees. Submit my mind and body to others for their use. These are the things that I really ache to do right now.
late night ponderings; worries
Something @literorrery said in an earlier post here triggered...something in me. She was describing one of her children, and the clothing description she used...synced with a mental image I've been trying to hold in my head without success until now. Could I also be nonbinary? I'm not sure anymore. It feels difficult to talk about this out loud. So many friends have struggled with this and I am worried this is just some internal desire to keep some link with them.
late night ponderings; worries
@KoBunny It may be a bit presumptuous of me to speak for the community, but I doubt any of us would disagree that:
1) You have all the freedom to discuss, experiment, play, question, and whatever else when it comes to gender.
2) Not only will we be completely accepting of whatever direction you go with it, but even if you later shrug and decide it was just an experimental phase, you will continue to have our full respect and friendship. Promise.
