mh (~), fake introvert issues, social anxiety, spilling some big stuff
I'm just so tired of the social guessing games. I'm so tired of not knowing where I'm wanted and where I'm not. I'm so tired of never knowing if silence is just Seattle Freeze, someone drifting away from social media, or being done with me.
It sure didn't help to be told repeatedly by certain people that I'm fine, everything is fine, only to be told things were NOT indeed fine years later... and having the blade in my back be the first sign of it. >_<
I really don't know anymore. I'm skittish and afraid of... most of you, to be perfectly honest. I keep fighting the urge to run and hide, especially for fear of just redoubling someone's impression of me as a flake, someone who does this stuff for attention.
Honestly? I do it for the hope of some STABLE affection. It's not "oh my god, please invite me back." It's "it's safe over here in the dark and I can maybe wait it out until I get some clear signal from someone."
You can imagine what it was like for me in a household where, no matter how convinced I still am that everybody was doing the best available to them, the signals were NEVER clear.
And now, every time I go to talk to a friend, I'm just WAITING for that dead, awkward silence and another round of wondering if I should approach and try to be friendly, or take the hint and run screaming.
Right now? I'm dealing with it mostly by reverting to old version of myself, that dealt better with solitude. And taking refuge in Anthracite and her Zen-like draconic indifference to most of the stupid things I do. <3 <3 <3 And I'm petting more cats. And I'm learning love work and writing and stuff. And I've been persuading myself, "Well, you can always fade from social media, ghost everybody, and start a new life."
But dammit, I don't WANT to. I just want to feel secure and safe again, and not spend EVERY social interaction wondering "Is this person trying to give me secret 'fuck of' signals? If I haven't heard from you in three months, should I just assume I fucked something up and you hate me now?"
I miss you, I miss storytelling, I miss the old friends I lost (or at least, the old versions of them that are gone forever?), I miss being able to approach you with my head held high, and I miss that sense that I had a truly reliable source of Changeling Chow. *hangs head*
But I can't play these guessing games anymore. And I'm up for ANY suggestion for a way out.
mh (~), fake introvert issues, social anxiety, spilling some big stuff
@zebratron2084 also please remember that most of us are autistic, introverted, and/or wrestling really terrible psych issues. Both of us included. “I haven’t heard from you in 3 months” is NOT a reliable indicator of being snubbed in these conditions.
mh (~), fake introvert issues, social anxiety, spilling some big stuff
@zebratron2084 I feel for you about this, but suspect there is never a clear way to know that someone feels off about you if they don’t say anything; that you’ve basically stuck feeling slightly paranoid until you’ve logged enough time and interactions to build confidence back. With that in mind; you’re honestly cool with me.
re: mh (~), fake introvert issues, social anxiety, spilling some big stuff
@Leucrotta That means a lot to me given some of our mutual acquaintances. And FTR, I am 100% cool with that. I don't necessarily think they're bad people-- we just all triggered abject failure states in each other at the same time. 💔
re: mh (~), fake introvert issues, social anxiety, spilling some big stuff
@zebratron2084 my experience has been, I’m usually not pissed off at people enough to ditch a friendship unless they do the sort of repeated stuff that... uh... you get sharing a job, a vehicle, or housing. Despite furries having a reputation for drama, I’d wonder whether the only folks actually skeeved off at each other were the people in the house itself?
re: mh (~), fake introvert issues, social anxiety, spilling some big stuff
@zebratron2084 honestly *you’ve* never been uncool to me, *Kristi’s* never been uncool to me, I can’t even *imagine* being on the outs with Jess, so all I can think is that whatever happened (and I’m pretty sure I’m happy not knowing) it was definitely something that required really being in close proximity stepping in each other’s issues a *lot*, y’know?
re: mh (~), fake introvert issues, social anxiety, spilling some big stuff
@Leucrotta Yeah. Yeah basically. Go with that, I'm 100% fine with it. I learned a REAL long time ago that everybody is different things to different people. <3
re: mh (~), fake introvert issues, social anxiety, spilling some big stuff
@Leucrotta Yeah, tbh that was a fucking NIGHTMARE. I still love a lot of people on the spectrum, but... the way things went with Kristy kinda lead me to believe "ADD manic-depressive neurotype" and "high functioning but fully autistic" are NOT a good basis for a stable friendship.
And I blame myself, no matter what Kristy chooses to believe about my opinions of what happened, for quite a large part of that mismatch. I should really have seen the signs coming and.. well, I did fucking TRY to apologize to her and got fired upon. *shrug* Never again. :| And I'm gonna be REAL skittish about ever befriending someone with similar social habits again.
(And yet, once again I am a total fucking hypocrite since I am shy AF and have probably ghosted people for months that I STILL HAVE NOT REALIZED actually ever wanted to see me in the first place.
Um... that's QUITE A LOT of you reading this toot, actually. If I didn't say goodbye when I left Seattle... it's probably because I assumed we weren't close enough and I'd just be bugging you. :| <3 )