grumble grumble grumble I’M HAVING GENDER THOUGHTS!
grumble grumble grumble
What kind of gender thoughts?
@StormyDragon @Leucrotta sorta typical; I wish I were a pretty girl (fine on its own) but that gets into how it’s specious for me to link gender to appearance.
I’ve been so completely trained I’m ugly I could look like Tilda Swinton or Tori Amos and never see myself as pretty; making myself pretty or accepting I can have prettiness while being ugly in other respects, gets into questioning worthiness (and, whether others will see me as “deserving” prettiness, womanhood or both). 🧵
@StormyDragon @Leucrotta (oh yeah and though this didn’t surface today, gender also connects to sex, which is another convoluted heap of issues for me. NOT easy topics.)
I'm sorry you're trapped in a place where you can't safely explore your true self and figure out what you want... I hope that you find yourself to a place where you can sooner rather than later. 
@StormyDragon @Leucrotta So gender, body image, self worth and safety, theoretically only tangentially connected, wind up as a complex tangle. Add in practical considerations (I have to play boy for my parents and employers, so THAT’S a resented externally imposed identity even if I’m 100% male; how could I afford HRT, when could I try out women’s clothes or pronouns, etc) and “I wish I could look pretty in a skirt like that” quickly becomes overwhelming, if that makes sense? ✂️