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awake at 5 am getting overwhelmed by the last solid month of bullshit and worries and I just don't fucking know how much longer I can do this for

like I've been trying so damn hard to function like a Human Being who Goes Outside and Spends Time With People despite being in a nightmare of surgical limbo but I'm at the end of my rope, forcing myself to act Healthy is taking more energy than I can sustain. I've only gotten this far by pointedly not looking directly at the problem and running on autopilot.

they called me on Tuesday with different info about the date than they gave me last time, gave me a runaround of conflicting information on Wednesday, then fucked off for Thanksgiving and told me "we'll touch base with you on Monday". I don't fucking know if I'll get surgery next week. I don't know when my next chance will be if I don't. Today marks a full month since my original date.

I've lost count of how many times I've broken down crying over this.

This surgery was supposed to be a good thing.

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