Self Doubt, Memory [1/2]
Tonight I watched an actor I adore and have seen many times before in a film I didn't expect to see him in. I remember looking at him and thinking he looked familiar... but I didn't get that it was him until the credits rolled.
...I think I might have some form of face blindness? 'cause this happens a LOT to me, even with people I know well. I always feel awful about it.
This opened me up to thinking about my memory and how terrible it is; something I think about a lot.
Self Doubt, Memory [2/3]
I've always had a bad memory for recalling things on my own. I forget names of people I see and talk to every day; I forget words -- and not weird words like antidisestablishmentarianism or cantankerous, but really basic words like fire or bread.
I can't remember major life events until someone can remind me of their contents; then they start coming back.
I'm so frequently embarrassed by my memory that I'll often pretend to remember things I don't. >..<
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
I've been in a handful of really emotionally abusive relationships over the course of my life, and in most of them, I've been gaslit pretty badly. I'm very susceptible to gaslighting because of my awful memory... and I have a theory that the gaslighting I've been subjected to has caused me not to trust what I _do_ remember.
I don't know what to do about this. I've been through brain function tests with no memory anomalies... could it just be psychosomatic?!
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
@mawr this is extremely relatable :/ i have a lot of the same issues re: last gaslighting leading my to distrust my own memories. I don't remember a lot of things i should, and also end up pretending to remember things a LOT.
I end up worrying a lot about the possibility of having false memories, and honestly would have no idea if i had them or not.
I definitely offer you a lot of hugs and solidarity. I'm right there with you
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
@Oneironott Thank you, hon. It's at least good to know that a lot of these things aren't unique, y'know? :x
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
@mawr @Oneironott I dunno if I'm glad to not be alone, or sorry other people have these problems too D:
fuck, I wanna just give both of you the biggest hugs right now D:
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
@Draekos @Oneironott @mawr I can't say it's due to gaslighting but I have a pretty bad memory too due to (I think) some mental-breakdown stuff a few years ago. So I know something of how you feel :x
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
@mawr I don't really know what to do about it either. I have to trust the importance of the memories that i do have, because they matter to my internal self, false or no. Aside from that i try to drop things like grudges and minimize situations like that where memory might lead me to make judgement calls.
It's difficult..