Self Doubt, Memory [1/2]
Tonight I watched an actor I adore and have seen many times before in a film I didn't expect to see him in. I remember looking at him and thinking he looked familiar... but I didn't get that it was him until the credits rolled.
...I think I might have some form of face blindness? 'cause this happens a LOT to me, even with people I know well. I always feel awful about it.
This opened me up to thinking about my memory and how terrible it is; something I think about a lot.
Self Doubt, Memory [2/3]
I've always had a bad memory for recalling things on my own. I forget names of people I see and talk to every day; I forget words -- and not weird words like antidisestablishmentarianism or cantankerous, but really basic words like fire or bread.
I can't remember major life events until someone can remind me of their contents; then they start coming back.
I'm so frequently embarrassed by my memory that I'll often pretend to remember things I don't. >..<
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
I've been in a handful of really emotionally abusive relationships over the course of my life, and in most of them, I've been gaslit pretty badly. I'm very susceptible to gaslighting because of my awful memory... and I have a theory that the gaslighting I've been subjected to has caused me not to trust what I _do_ remember.
I don't know what to do about this. I've been through brain function tests with no memory anomalies... could it just be psychosomatic?!
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
@mawr ohmygosh, I have such memory problems. I specifically have difficulty with context: I'll know I've seen a person's face before, but can't remember where or when; I'll recognize a name, but can't attach a face or any particular memory to it. and I have a bunch of "false memories", some back in childhood, that I have no idea if they're real or not--some I know for sure aren't, but parse *exactly* like the "real" ones.
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
@mawr nowdays I have no ability to remember how long ago anything happened. unless I can attach a specific date to it, like "last Wednesday" or "November 1998," my brain insists it happened "sometime in the past, maybe last month, maybe last year, maybe a decade ago? idklol"
part of my fascination with narratives is that I'm constantly having to reconstruct my own memories by making up narratives, of "first x happened, then y, that led to z..."
Self Doubt, Gaslighting, Memory [3/3]
@mawr fwiw afaik none of my memory problems are specifically related to trauma, though I've had my share of abusive relationships and gaslighting attempts--I'm actually pretty resistant to gaslighting *because* of my bad memory; if I want to remember something I'll often write it down, and when gaslit about it later be like "no... see, here's where/when that happened..." :P
