mh (~), dayjeorb, fandom, social media, jadedness, selfhate, The Thing
I've gotten to the point where I don't really recognize my work personality from my real personality or my online personality.
And I've also gotten to the point where I very distinctly like the work me better than any other me. For the first time in my life, I'm less afraid of breaking a major social norm or embarrassing myself at work than I am... say... here. Or at a con.
And that scares the fuck out of me.
It's quite clear by now that I've never really healed from the guilt and damage left over from Transliminal Station exploding. The pariah feels are still horrible, and still consistently keeping me from reaching out.
I've been using the lockdown as an excuse to put off therapy, but it's probably the only thing left to do.
Meh. Not looking forward to opening The Pain Vaults to a stranger.
re: mh (~), dayjeorb, fandom, social media, jadedness, selfhate, The Thing
@zebratron2084 It hurts but it helps. Sometimes I have to tell my therapist "Oh no, that one's load-bearing, if we touch that one we'll be here all day." I hope you find someone who's in tune with what you need.
re: mh (~), dayjeorb, fandom, social media, jadedness, selfhate, The Thing
@Soreth Well, the good news is that 2 out of 4 of my therapists have been pretty helpful, understanding people.
The bad news is that one of those four snap-diagnosed me with "pathological narcissism" based on ONE session and the fact I did a lot of roleplaying and said I worried what other people thought of me.
I'm a lot of shitty things, but I think the record shows I'm quite capable of doing things a narcissist isn't-- like say "I'm sorry, you were right," accept flaws in myself, and fretting myself absolutely crazy about my friends' well-being.
But that bastard still made me question whether I was nothing but a manipulative piece of shit for, like, six months.
And one of the two *good* therapists was also Keet's therapist and Orrery was paying for her. And I stopped seeing her because Kristy was paying for it and... it was a big traumatic and humiliating THING.
So yeah. I've got some fears to get over. But I think I'm ready. After Orrery, gods bless 'em, I needed a year or two with NOBODY WITH THEIR FINGERS STUCK IN MY HEAD, but I think I can trust someone to start digging around in there with tools again. Maybe. Gotta be done, 'cause my brain is clearly not letting go of this until I've had SOME kind of moral trial and closure...
Anyhow. Thanks for giving me the excuse to talk this stuff out, sis. <3 <3 <3