mood (-)
Complete emotional logjam today. Feels like everything's still in ruins, and the only honorable thing to do is just walk away--- not only from the actual wreckage, but the whole settlement around it.
Everything collapsed so fast in the last year, and suddenly my life feels very small and contained. Suddenly I've gone from an ensemble cast where I felt forgotten all the time, to a two-person sketch comedy where I'm always on camera, even when I don't want to be.
I'm still just reeling.
mood (-)
Social media broke, two of my closest friendships broke (I *still* don't quite understand how), my country broke, all progress I made on being calmer broke, my fantasy life broke, my RP outlets broke, and my ability to trust other people, or trust myself around them when stressed, is breaking fast.
The common element in this: my faith broke. In myself and in a whole lot of other sources of security & self-love. "Time heals all" is not comforting when the hours, let alone days, drag so.
mood (-)
I'm trying so hard to be good. I'm trying so hard to keep a positive angle on things, and get on with my life in a way that brings good things for everybody. I'm trying so hard not to beat myself up to no good purpose, or ruminate on everything both sides may have done wrong.
I'm failing at all of the above. It's not helping that I've lost my main venue for contact with people I thought I still had a chance to be close to. Now I'm not even sure meeting me isn't just a huge burden on em.
mood (-)
In summary, the management has officially degraded our mood to RAWRCON 3. Do not pet tiger without protective Kevlar gear. Do not look tiger in the eye. Do not make loud noises at tiger. Do not read tiger's embarrassing porn over tiger's shoulder (AHEM @anthracite <3 ). And please, for the love of gods, don't tell tiger everything is going to be okay. The tiger will not attack you, but neither will they believe you. Please leave tiger under the couch unless you have food or toys. 😿
mood (-)
At this point, it really feels like the book is about to close on the postfurry chapter of my life. I've got Peg, Parallax, and the hope of a new life in LA once we finally get off our asses and move. I'll always love the people I met in this community, even the ones I fell out with, and I won't turn my back on the ones who will still have me.
I'm just so tired and disillusioned. If this really were a TV series, I'd be tempted to just skip this season and see what's happening in a year.
mood (-)
@zebratron2084 growf growf grawr. if (when? it seems at this point) you do break for sunnier climes I will miss you fiercely, and maybe try to visit, although the entire concept of LA makes me twitchy. most importantly, you do what you need to be well. I have been truly honored to have your friendship, and I wish I could help somehow. time heals all wounds, but it takes a long time to go from hurting to itching, you have to watch out for infections, and it leaves *really* ugly scars. :/
mood (-)
@zebratron2084 and "heals all wounds" doesn't mean "regrows limbs," it means "eventually the stump will stop bleeding, but the phantom pain may never go away completely." we are not unbroken by our pasts; each time, we are reformed anew, and have to learn to walk all over again. *nosetouch* *fistbump*
