Thinking a bit about basically the whisper network that's I've ended up in when it comes to my own particular corner of non-binary transition and expression.
Realizing this must be what it was like for trans folks in general, a couple decades ago.
Wondering what the emotional toll difference is like, between "all these other folks are getting their needs met in a much more straightforward way" and "no one else even understands that people might have these needs"
Real talk: Non-binary discourse has done a really good job with validating "you don't have to be androgynous" and "you don't have to medically transition."
Which puts those of us who want and need both those things in a pretty awkward place sometimes.
@indi Me talking to friends, 10+ years ago:
‹So I've got some gender stuff happening—›
«Oh, you're a girl now, awesome!»
‹Well, no, I'm sort of some of each and lots of neither and I prefer gender non-specific pronouns and....›
« *blank stares, crickets* »
‹...but I suppose I'm a little closer to ‘girl’ than ‘boy’, so fem pronouns will work.›
Later:
‹To my surprise, I think I really do want genital surgery—›
«Oh, you're a girl now, awesome!»
‹Well, no, but... *sigh* Sure, whatever.›
@ElectricKeet Yup, much congruence here.
I think the main diff for me is ending up just barely on the other side of that girl/boy line (in addition to being way down low in intensity on both), which is a big part of what made me just try to bury the whole thing in general until I could get SOME sort of sign of external awareness of stuations like mine. As incomplete and frustrating as it usually is.
@ElectricKeet Also I'm sorry for all the times I (obviously or not) lumped you into the 'girl' group myself. Sometimes it's a lot easier for me to see (and obsess about) the differences over the similarities.
@ElectricKeet @indi I find in my own life that when I'm looking for signs of similarity and congruence, all the differences seem magnified. When I need external validation, it's easier for me to say "That's not exactly me" than "That's closer than most" or "That's close enough."
@literorrery @indi Cognitive biases are like that.
Actually, I'm seriously tempted to start using the monkey-face 🐵 emoji as shorthand for "Here, I consciously acknowledge the cognitive biases that influence my thoughts in ways I'm not necessarily happy about!"
@literorrery @ElectricKeet Yeah, exactly this for me too. I sorta had that realization with my therapist when I was talking about wanting someone like me but then realizing that no matter how similar someone gets, my brain always moves the goalposts again.
@indi Ah, no worries! We're all in this together, slowly shrugging off cultural expectations and baggage. It doesnt happen overnight, and it doesn't happen if we hold grudges about little mistakes. *hugs* And similarly, apologies for the times I've been crotchety about such matters. It's taken me a long while to find my zen about it all, y'know?
...okay, I haven't _totally_ found my zen anyhow, but that's mostly because the self-image part of my head is never truly satisfied. Workin' on it. :)