Since a lot of people don't know about it, I'm gonna talk briefly about dissociation.
Dissociation is a feeling of being separated from the world or from yourself. It comes in a lot of different flavors that are all related but manifest in distinct ways.
It's actually really common. Dissociation usually arises in response to trauma, especially long-lasting or repeating bad situations in childhood. Basically, the mind protects itself by distancing itself from traumatic circumstances.
There's a few main forms.
Dissociation most broadly feels like you're separated from the world, or like events are happening to somebody else. For me, it's like looking at the world through a periscope.
Derealization is feeling like you or the world isn't real. For me it feels like reality is a painting, or imaginary, or somehow not there.
Depersonalization is feeling like your actions and your consciousness are separated, like your body is an automaton and you're just watching.
These are all super broad, overgeneralized overviews. How things actually feel or manifest can be really individual.
But basically, if you feel kinda brainfogged all the time, or have trouble remembering stuff, or feel like the world is imaginary or really far away, or like you're never really present in the world around you... that might be dissociation.
drugs mention
Another way of describing it: It's like that distant, kinda-floaty feeling caused by a lot of drugs, but without any of the fun parts.
If you've ever had nitrous oxide (either recreationally or for dental work), it's a dissociative anesthetic so that's a bit of what it feels like.
Amusingly, nitrous apparently does *nothing* for me.
Anyway, I want to say again that though dissociation is most commonly the result of trauma, that isn't always the cause.
Though, if you dissociate, looking into possible causes (carefully, potentially with the help of a therapist) might not be an awful idea.
This is a super rough overview. It's okay if any of y'all want to come at me with questions, though keep in mind I'm not an expert.
depression & trauma
@starkatt it suddenly (like, just now) occurred to me that I keep saying "I didn't have anything particularly traumatic in my childhood, I just have a lifelong depressive disorder" and not... making that connection. I know I had the depressive disorder as a child; that would count as an *extremely* traumatic situation. just because it was inside my head doesn't mean it wasn't real and didn't fuck up my life. :/
depression & trauma
@starkatt and when I think of it that way... my dissociative tendencies make *total sense*.
although--and I know you're not a psychiatrist, and this is something I'd *really* need to talk to a psych about--I've long suspected that I have very low-level schizophrenia, which as a child was termed as "an *extremely active* imagination." but it's low-level enough that it doesn't interfere in my life (any more, much), so I've never--mentioned it to a doctor. >__>
depression & trauma
@green I'm glad that this thread was helpful!
I'm curious what you mean by "low-level schizophrenia".
depression & trauma
@starkatt seeing things, hearing things--knowing they aren't real, but experiencing them as if they were--say, separated from physical reality by about five degrees; like experiencing a ghost-world of stimulus. most of it I can control, which is why I know it's not a schizophrenic *disorder*; I'm (usually) in control, it almost never disrupts my life, and I'm almost always aware that they aren't real. I have to put in those disclaimers though because *sometimes*... :P
depression & trauma
@green :nod: yeah I actually think stuff like that is a lot more common than most people realize, because folks in general are really averse to talking about it so it's not widely known about.
depression & trauma
@starkatt I think it's--something children are encouraged to do, but adults are discouraged from doing, so most people forget how. and I know from experience that it's possible to get "out of practice," so it doesn't happen as often--but it still pops up sometimes regardless. I've never felt threatened or uncomfortable about it, plus I was able to plug it into a paganism/otherkin framework fairly early, which... depending on pov I guess helped or made it worse. XD
depression & trauma
@green Heh, I was wondering if suggesting potential non-materialist interpretations would be at all relevant to this conversation. I guess the answer is yes :)
schizophrenia? & drug mention (was: depression & trauma)
@starkatt I believe that it's a manifestation of some messed-up brain chemistry that is entirely in my head, *and* that it's a link to a spiritual "second level" of reality, pretty much side by side these days. or maybe it just doesn't matter to me any more? idk. ;)
interestingly, I've had a lot of experiences with hallucinogenic drugs and never mistook those hallucinations for reality--my reality-perception is actually pretty strong!
schizophrenia? & drug mention (was: depression & trauma)
@green Yeah causality is bullshit and I definitely think more than one thing can be true at a time.
Strong reality-perception sounds like a nice thing to be able to trust in.
schizophrenia?
@starkatt unfortunately I process the memories of real and unreal experiences the same, which is part of why my memory is such a mess. but that's true of most people too, I think--I just put less faith in the reality of my memories because I *know* there's a bunch of weird unreal stuff in there. XD
it's also been a great help in teaching myself lucid dreaming, oddly enough. ;)
depression & trauma
@starkatt but it's really hard for me to deconstruct my... fantastic episodes, to tease apart whether or how much they're "dissociative," y'know? beh. /burble
depression & trauma
@green I mean with all psych stuff the boundaries tend to be super blurry /anyway/ so in that sense getting concerned about precise classification isn't always useful.
Dissociative identity is another form, where your mind splits into different parts as a way of compartmentalizing trauma. (Note -- not all multiple systems are traumagenic, but it's probably the most common cause.)
For people not aware that this is going on, it usually presents as sudden dramatic shifts of mood or affect. Different parts not sharing memory is also common, so you might have blocks of missing time.