mh journaling
it's just amazing how many things which upset me no end either don't persist for that long, or they're not really crucial, but childhood messages persist;
it's quite possible the stuff that upset me as a kid wasn't really that big either, but when I was small I didn't know that my every possible mistake or display of crankiness *wasn''t* going to become some huge screaming tirade about how worthless or stupid I was, or hours, days of ridicule. And I didn't have a distinctly long life telling me that whatever disaster I'd run into *wasn't* the rest of my then-very short life.
This of course is complicated by how I didn't know that I *didn't* deserve the mistreatment. (At least I'm *probably* past that set of assumptions.)
re: mh journaling
Similar thoughts regarding my own recent re-evaluation of my upbringing. It's a balancing act permitting myself to accept that I did encounter significant abuse as a child, even if it seemed "normal" at the time and "not as bad" as "real abuse," whatever the hell that is supposed to be.
Also understanding that abuse happens even without malicious intent—that's been a revelation.
re: mh journaling
@vyruem f’rex recently I realized that a huge trigger for me was artifactual; I mess something up because I haven’t been told how to do it (easy misunderstanding from people who assume someone else told me or have been doing it long enough to be an assumption), and get mocked or yelled at as result (my nitpicky coworker is merely nitpicky). A few really extreme or intentional incidents meant every time that happened as a kid became this thing I thought was a trap, a bad trigger.
re: mh journaling
@Leucrotta I think I can relate to that? My spouse often points-out when I hesitate and look at her before doing something, because I'm afraid of not doing it the right way and I'm awaiting direction that will usually never come. I know particularly that feeling of being mocked for doing something wrong when I had no idea in the first place is a really emotionally ass-lancing experience.
