During my time off I spent time trying out different things, especially a few days on music production which has always fascinated me.

But I have that mental thing where I spent so much time being praised by parents and everything has come so easy to me that any difficulty feels like an un-scalable wall.

So instead I keep doing the stuff I've been doing. Since it is easier to just stay there forever.

And then the anhedonia is so very strong. Nothing I do seems to give me any level of enjoyment anymore, being around people, being not around people, typefucking, watching videos, trying to program, trying to make music, absolutely anything.

Some have suggested marijuana to help with that but I have never been able to get high at home when I need it the most. The other reason for going of SSRIs was for a chance at other things like MDMA.

Roommate came home and we discussed wrassle for a bit which was good and helped me calm down some. Also made plans to help some people too hopefully.

Going to get a vape pen under the advice of some other people today.

Oh, and my grandmother just emailed me that I need to contact my family to "heal our broken family" and a forward about Jesus. Fuck my family and what they did to me.

@xurnami I'm not sure what your current health plan allows for, but if you are currently going to therapy once a month, consider upping that to bi-monthly or even weekly? (I currently go weekly and I very very much feel like it is helpful for making progress and dealing with some of my anxiety).

@KoBunny I've been doing that to weekly at some points too. I slowed down to monthly because I felt I didn't have anything to talk about. Need to start new job fully to see what and if they cover her.