I'm just so tired of the social guessing games. I'm so tired of not knowing where I'm wanted and where I'm not. I'm so tired of never knowing if silence is just Seattle Freeze, someone drifting away from social media, or being done with me.

It sure didn't help to be told repeatedly by certain people that I'm fine, everything is fine, only to be told things were NOT indeed fine years later... and having the blade in my back be the first sign of it. >_<

I really don't know anymore. I'm skittish and afraid of... most of you, to be perfectly honest. I keep fighting the urge to run and hide, especially for fear of just redoubling someone's impression of me as a flake, someone who does this stuff for attention.

Honestly? I do it for the hope of some STABLE affection. It's not "oh my god, please invite me back." It's "it's safe over here in the dark and I can maybe wait it out until I get some clear signal from someone."

You can imagine what it was like for me in a household where, no matter how convinced I still am that everybody was doing the best available to them, the signals were NEVER clear.

And now, every time I go to talk to a friend, I'm just WAITING for that dead, awkward silence and another round of wondering if I should approach and try to be friendly, or take the hint and run screaming.

Right now? I'm dealing with it mostly by reverting to old version of myself, that dealt better with solitude. And taking refuge in Anthracite and her Zen-like draconic indifference to most of the stupid things I do. <3 <3 <3 And I'm petting more cats. And I'm learning love work and writing and stuff. And I've been persuading myself, "Well, you can always fade from social media, ghost everybody, and start a new life."

But dammit, I don't WANT to. I just want to feel secure and safe again, and not spend EVERY social interaction wondering "Is this person trying to give me secret 'fuck of' signals? If I haven't heard from you in three months, should I just assume I fucked something up and you hate me now?"

I miss you, I miss storytelling, I miss the old friends I lost (or at least, the old versions of them that are gone forever?), I miss being able to approach you with my head held high, and I miss that sense that I had a truly reliable source of Changeling Chow. *hangs head*

But I can't play these guessing games anymore. And I'm up for ANY suggestion for a way out.

@zebratron2084 I feel like a lot of us miss the storytelling and creation-for-sake-of-creation but so little of us have the energy to... do it.
our Circles have grown so distant and silent in a seemingly hostile way and so many folks just want to focus on their own, and admitedly me too.
then again my last living situation, as you can relate to, was untenable and wound up in a situation I wouldn't have gotten into had I known *shrugs* since then my faith has been shaken, but my polycule, admitedly, keeps it alive.
So yeah I see the urge to just kinda... go back to basics. I don't know what that -looks- like in a furry age that has moved away from things like MUCK, but there's an answer out there somewhere

(I feel like I'm probably off-base from what you're talking about though)

@Oneironott I mean, I'm so burnt out on social RP, I'm going it solo after a lifetime of being too ADD to focus on conventional writing.

So I definitely think you're on to something, and I'm glad the Next Gen is already thinking in terms of "OK, this is obviously winding down, what the hell do we do next?"

I feel so responsible for letting that energy dwindle, and responsible for so much of the drama that started separating us. I did what I could.

I keep trying to tell myself we're still big... it's just the Internet that's gotten small. (And increasingly hostile to Unreal things, which is a FUCKING TRAGIC reversal of the original spirit of the Net.)

@zebratron2084 Yeah, oh believe me I will fight on that hill of the internet. We still got a place, I believe. hard as it is anymore. IDK, maybe a different direction altogether. You ever make music? I want to do it more. like something physical I can use my paws with. We can still create, yeah yeah.
GODS do I feel that ADD as I'm sitting here with numerous unfinished writing projects

@Oneironott @zebratron2084 ... as someone with a shitton of FL studio projects who works with music basically every day and yet has only released a single song in the past three years or so, yeah, I feel y'all

as for the social thing, honestly I feel like letting discomfort fester and never discussing it until it's way too late, things suddenly explode and people get banished from the community is kind of a Thing in the Seattle-based postfurry scene in general, from what I've seen

@Thaminga @Oneironott

um how much trouble would i get into if i wondered aloud if certain tenets of current queer leftist political culture might not have had some role in our problems too >___>;;

not about to switch teams here, but... i could rant for hours about how dogmatic some people were starting to get, especially with the US vs THEM bs

@zebratron2084 @Thaminga I mean yeah, I could.. just as easily complain about that In General, as I've gotten on the shit end of Queer Leftist Politics enough for just having certain kinks