cafe, music, nostalgia, family, cw: death/aging/mh/loss
*cafe plays Jim Croce's "Operator"*
NO, FATHER! COME NOT IN THIS FORM!
This is a big as hell "missing my late father" trigger. Anything by Croce, really. My dad loved his music—it was one of the only really sentimental things I remember him listening to. Bore a bit of a resemblance to him, too. And like Croce... *sigh*... he was a tiny bit of an asshole, but still generally a stand-up guy who died WAY the fuck too young.
Had a dream about him the other night. Oddly, it was the same dream as the VERY first time Peg's ever shown up in one of my dreams. Weirds the fuck outta me how bad the human unconscious is at telling one era from another... which in turn gives me horrifying reminders of seeing my grandma in her last years at the nursing home, mistaking me for him, and generally getting lost in time.
It leads me to an interesting bucket list challenge: die late enough that I've got a good legacy, feel like I've protected my mom and Peggy from the threat of loneliness, and have really fucked over the Darker Forces that want to rule this world... and die early enough that I'm never stuck in that shadow realm, and nobody ever has to endure the pain of seeing me like that.
🎵'Cause Terra's not my home... 🎵
re: cafe, music, nostalgia, family, cw: suicide
@Leucrotta I mean, I've learned not to trust my suicidal urges one bit, because I've learned my brain is NOT a good prognosticator of my actual odds of happiness at all...
But there's gonna come a point where I can really, truly look forward to nothing but suffering and being a burden on others. When it's obvious my body would be ready to die, but for the social impetus to Preserve Life At All Costs Despite Suffering Because Jesus Or Something... yeah, no, I'm outta here.
I've been known to call it "pulling a Lafargue," and ethically and politically speaking, I would defend it to the hilt. Life in suffering as a moral hostage to others is totally contrary to everything I believe is dignified about the human prospect. (Though I am willing to put up with a certain amount of shit if I can truly still help and inspire others, which is keeping me WELL afloat these days...)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Lafargue#Last_years_and_suicide
cafe, music, nostalgia, family, cw: death/aging/mh/loss
@zebratron2084 oh yeah. I saw how my grandparents died. They were better people than I will ever be and they didn’t deserve that. Maybe once I am truly old I will be brave enough to off myself?